Nexustentialism

It's satire, stupid.

UCSB Academic Ranking Plummets as Alumni Return to Campus

April 26, 2019 by

It’s almost alumni weekend here at UCSB, and with flocks of former Gauchos returning to campus, the university’s academic ranking is dropping by the second.
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UCSB Wifi Goes Down On You, But Your UCSB Man Still Won’t

April 24, 2019 by

At approximately 1:17 pm, it was reported that the entire UCSB campus network went down, but your boyfriend still won’t. In fact, the UCSB wifi goes down on you all the time, but can you remember th...
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Campus-wide WiFi Outage Reduces Number of A.S. Election Voters From 1 to 0

April 24, 2019 by

UC SANTA BARBARA - At approximately 1:17 p.m. this Wednesday, the UCSB campus network went down. This resulted in the loss of internet access across the entire campus in addition to the loss of access...
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Young Woman Rolls Three Days in a Row at Coachella, Becomes Mental Health Advocate

April 24, 2019 by

As the second weekend of the famous music festival Coachella came to a close this Sunday, many Gauchos returned to Isla Vista with great memories, debt and hangovers. Not wanting to ever forget their ...
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Student Gazes Wistfully Into Eyes of Freshman-Year Gauchospace Profile Picture, Longs for Simpler, More Innocent Times

April 22, 2019 by

Recently, Gauchospace released yet another of its periodic site updates — this time including the addition of each user’s student ID photo to its homepage, which students must access in order to v...
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Short Kings Lament: Tall White Man Stealing All the Girls

April 19, 2019 by

In 2018, “Florida Man” became a natural phenomenon in pop culture. While not honing in on one specific individual, the term “Florida Man” has been used to encompass the community of strange in...
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Climate Change Motivates Real Estate Investor To Buy Trigo Houses

April 18, 2019 by

The entirety of the houses on Trigo Road have been purchased by a local investor, who claims that rising sea levels will turn Trigo into “the new DP.”
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Jesus Endorses Nexustentialism

April 18, 2019 by

Jesus has officially endorsed Nexustentialism! Watch this to learn more about what Christ and the angels think of the best satire section on Earth (and heaven).
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Gaucho Grad Guide: Great Career Paths for Theater Majors!

April 17, 2019 by

Hey, Gauchos! We know graduation is just around the corner, and with that energy on the horizon, we at Nexustentialism would love to provide some insight into post-grad options for both graduating sen...
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Young-Looking Second Year Attends Spring Insight in Quest for Free Shit

April 16, 2019 by

In an attempt to squeeze every dollar and cent out of her tuition, second-year Penney Pinscher has taken to the sidewalks of UCSB this last weekend looking to pull a fast one on those tabling for club...
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UCSB Enforces Shoe Wearing Policy During Spring Insight

April 15, 2019 by

In an email released yesterday, Chancellor Yang wrote the student body to enforce the use of footwear during Spring Insight.
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Senior From Newport Beginning To Feel Crippling Pressure of Deciding Which of Parents’ Friends To Get Job From

April 12, 2019 by

With only months until graduation, fourth-year global studies major Charlie Andrews has reportedly been experiencing a crippling panic of deciding which of his parent’s business mogul friends he sho...
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CALPIRG To Shut Doors After 100,000th Signature Saves Bee

April 12, 2019 by

After many years of Arbor tabling, hard work and general disruption, CALPIRG has announced that they will be shutting down for good after acquiring their 100,000th student signature, enough to finally...
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A Cry for Help: This Man Wears Basketball Jerseys as Shirts

April 11, 2019 by

‘Twas a brave, young fellow indeed who stepped out of his front door onto the streets of Isla Vista last weekend, wiping away tears and wearing a Golden State jersey in place of the usual (and prefe...
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UCSB Tour Guide Walks Backward into Hell

April 11, 2019 by

In a completely unsurprising turn of events, third-year Anita Bath, a member of the Gaucho Tour Association, has reportedly walked backward into Hell. Walking backward, a skill that many tour leaders ...
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