Nexustentialism

It's satire, stupid.

Goth Girl Sues Sorority for Making Doc Martens Popular Again

May 17, 2019 by

It seems Kappa Kappa Gumbo has gotten itself into another legal fiasco, this time for enraging the goth community. The culprit? Doc Martens.
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100% Of UCSB Long-Distance Relationships Would Rapidly Implode if Couple Ever Hung Out In in Person, Study Finds

May 17, 2019 by

A school-wide study conducted by UCSB’s Department of Communication revealed that 100% of long-distance relationships based out of UCSB would rapidly implode if the couple ever spent extensive time ...
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Coughing in Lecture Hall Recreates Beethoven’s Fifth

May 16, 2019 by

In a miraculous turn of events last week, midterms on UCSB campus became mysteriously musical. Surely every student who has had the misfortune of slogging through the college cold and flu season (whic...
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Senior Reminisces on Marks He Has Left on UCSB

May 16, 2019 by

ISLA VISTA — Graduating senior Bob Lee-Fluids seductively laid upon his hand-me-down couch in his Del Playa home contemplating the last four years of his college experience. He looked lovingly upon ...
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Student Too Embarrassed to Return to Bike Shop, Walks to Class Instead

May 15, 2019 by

Pop! Third-year UC Santa Barbara student Anthony Wheeler knew the sound all too well. The back inner tube of his bike had popped and soon the sound of grinding metal on concrete soon grew apparent as ...
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Extravaganza Lineup Announcement Unjustly Forces Students to Listen to New Music

May 14, 2019 by

Once again, Extravaganza season is upon us and with the release of the lineup for the highly anticipated concert on Sunday, there is a wide mix of reactions among students. With big names like Aminé ...
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Chancellor Yang to Headline Extravaganza

May 14, 2019 by

Well folks, you heard it here first. Our beloved Chancellor, Henry T. Yang, will be headlining this year’s Extravaganza festival, according to A.S. Program Board, who announced the lineup yesterday....
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Student Preemptively Rolling for Extravaganza

May 14, 2019 by

Today, nearly a whole business week before Extravaganza celebrations are due to begin, UCSB student Molly Poppins decided to preemptively get in the spirit of the festival the only way she knows how -...
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HERO ALERT: Man Goes Down on Woman

May 13, 2019 by

ISLA VISTA, CALIFORNIA — A bold and valiant display of heroism took place in the wee hours of Saturday morning when local man Bryce Daniels performed oral sex on his girlfriend Jessica Payton.
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BREAKING: College Professor Actually Just Big Idiot

May 10, 2019 by

This past Tuesday, Professor Joe Kerr of environmental studies accidentally misprinted the midterm for a class of over 800 students. As it turns out, Kerr printed a midterm from Winter Quarter three y...
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Panda Express Line Reaches All-Time High, Chaos Ensues

May 9, 2019 by

Earlier this week, during the daily lunch-rush feeding frenzy at the University Center’s Panda Express, the wait time for this inauthentic — yet no less delicious — cuisine reached an all-time h...
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Spotify Targets Young Singles With Ambient 8-Hour Playlist of Couples Arguing

May 7, 2019 by

In an effort to acquire young single listeners, Spotify has released an eight-hour-long playlist featuring the ambient back-and-forths of couples arguing. The “Couples Arguing” playlist features a...
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How To Break Your RA in the Final Quarter

May 6, 2019 by

Freshmen, you’ve almost made it through your first year of college, and we at Nexustentialism would like to sincerely congratulate you! We believe that a fitting celebration would be mentally breaki...
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Non-Traditional Student Mom Somehow Able To Make All Class Content Relate Back to Ten-Year-Old Son, Ethan

May 3, 2019 by

Students of History 178B: US Wealth and Poverty have found that somehow, all class content ties back to non-traditional and fellow student Tammy Oblesky’s son, Ethan.
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Breaking: EX-S.T.E.M. Major Finds New Ways To Hate Her Life

May 2, 2019 by

After switching her major from biochemistry to medieval studies, third-year Ima Noying has longed to fill the empty void in her heart that used to be nourished by the steady source of suffering associ...
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