Nexustentialism

It's satire, stupid.

Jesus Endorses Nexustentialism

April 18, 2019 by

Jesus has officially endorsed Nexustentialism! Watch this to learn more about what Christ and the angels think of the best satire section on Earth (and heaven).
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Gaucho Grad Guide: Great Career Paths for Theater Majors!

April 17, 2019 by

Hey, Gauchos! We know graduation is just around the corner, and with that energy on the horizon, we at Nexustentialism would love to provide some insight into post-grad options for both graduating sen...
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Young-Looking Second Year Attends Spring Insight in Quest for Free Shit

April 16, 2019 by

In an attempt to squeeze every dollar and cent out of her tuition, second-year Penney Pinscher has taken to the sidewalks of UCSB this last weekend looking to pull a fast one on those tabling for club...
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UCSB Enforces Shoe Wearing Policy During Spring Insight

April 15, 2019 by

In an email released yesterday, Chancellor Yang wrote the student body to enforce the use of footwear during Spring Insight.
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Senior From Newport Beginning To Feel Crippling Pressure of Deciding Which of Parents’ Friends To Get Job From

April 12, 2019 by

With only months until graduation, fourth-year global studies major Charlie Andrews has reportedly been experiencing a crippling panic of deciding which of his parent’s business mogul friends he sho...
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CALPIRG To Shut Doors After 100,000th Signature Saves Bee

April 12, 2019 by

After many years of Arbor tabling, hard work and general disruption, CALPIRG has announced that they will be shutting down for good after acquiring their 100,000th student signature, enough to finally...
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A Cry for Help: This Man Wears Basketball Jerseys as Shirts

April 11, 2019 by

‘Twas a brave, young fellow indeed who stepped out of his front door onto the streets of Isla Vista last weekend, wiping away tears and wearing a Golden State jersey in place of the usual (and prefe...
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UCSB Tour Guide Walks Backward into Hell

April 11, 2019 by

In a completely unsurprising turn of events, third-year Anita Bath, a member of the Gaucho Tour Association, has reportedly walked backward into Hell. Walking backward, a skill that many tour leaders ...
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I.V. Foot Patrol Declares Martial Law on Deltopia Weekend

April 8, 2019 by

Due to concerns regarding the drunken rowdiness, tomfoolery and other miscellaneous shenaniganz that have come to be associated with Deltopia celebrations, the I.V. Foot Patrol declared martial law in...
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Deltopia MIPs Ranked

April 8, 2019 by

Everyone knows that Deltopia is like Christmas for cops, but instead of gifts, they’re giving out Minor In Possession (MIP) tickets. Though most noobs get an MIP for alcohol possession, we here at N...
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Medieval Man Causes Trouble at Deltopia

April 8, 2019 by

Holla cater-cousins! 'Tis I, L'rd Walt'r de Bolbec, coming to thee liveth from the 68 block of Del Playa f'r an occasion hath called Deltopia! I has't hath heard it is quite valorous excit'ment and yo...
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Breaking: Deltopia Moved to Fortuna! Rebranded as Fortuna-topia

April 5, 2019 by

In an emergency meeting last night, Associated Students declared that Deltopia will be moved to Fortuna Lane in order to avoid the increasing police presence seen over the last couple years.
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Starbucks Runs Out of Non-Dairy Milk, Chaos Ensues

April 5, 2019 by

Tragedy struck Isla Vista last week, administering a blow to the student population right in the heart of their most coveted and vital survival tool: coffee.
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Campus Crisis: Storke Tower Goes Flaccid

April 4, 2019 by

Eyewitnesses have reported that Storke Tower, the proud phallic symbol of UC Santa Barbara, has – devastatingly – gone flaccid. The 175-foot-tall tower, which was first erected in front of the Uni...
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Student Curbs Coke Addiction, Crediting Rush He Gets from Submitting an Assignment 30 Seconds Before Deadline

April 3, 2019 by

Clint used to be the guy that slipped off to the bathroom every 30 minutes or so. Clint’s parents kept asking him where all his money went and why he needed to pick up extra shifts at Albertsons. Cl...
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