A river of tears sprung from the face of incoming freshman Enya Stein last week as she helplessly puzzled through her first encounter with the UC Santa Barbara bike paths.
Stein, despite graduating as her high school’s valedictorian, seems to have met her intellectual match. Her internship with NASA and letter of recommendation from former first lady Michelle Obama may have secured Stein her place at the University of California, yet fell short in preparing her for the most emotionally and physically taxing obstacle of her young adult life.
“Raising $100,000 for stem cell research was a cake walk compared to this,” Stein retorted, crying hysterically as she clung to her trusty vehicle. “So far, I’ve fallen off my bicycle six times and ended up at the wrong building twice — and that was just this morning. I haven’t been this scraped up since I built all those homes for the impoverished in Kenya.”
Yesterday, Stein narrowly avoided a fatal collision with campus cat Big Boy. Nexustentialism reached out to the famous feline for an interview, but he refused to comment on the traumatizing incident.
To the UCSB Office of Admissions, Stein seemed like the perfect candidate for admission. Between her perfect GPA and stellar extra curriculars, she proved herself to be more than capable of handling — even dominating — all the trials and tribulations that come with becoming a college student. Her personal insight questions detailed her long-standing value of perseverance in the face of adversity and the many ways in which she applied this value. These anecdotes include testing hundreds of prototypes until she built the perfect robot to take care of her terminally ill mother and valiantly petitioning to create a kickball league for disabled students across her home county.
But to Stein, the bike loops are an entirely different ball game.
“There’s just no way we could have foreseen this,” one admissions officer commented in response to Stein’s bike-related incompetence. “It’s a miracle that Enya committed to UCSB in the first place instead of jumping straight into the tech field and designing flying bikes for Elon Musk.”
Until the day that airborne bikes grace the skies of Isla Vista, Stein will continue on her path to greatness — one panicky pedal at a time.
Sierra Vakili is highly considering just walking to class.