Nexustentialism

It's satire, stupid.

Timely warning: Freshman season has begun

July 14, 2025 by

It happens like clockwork: as soon as decisions are released and commitments are made, they come in droves. The word is bitter on the tongue and makes the mouth twist with disgust. Freshmen. 
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UCSB students overwhelmed by abundance of high-paying job offers

July 6, 2025 by

In the wake of the booming American economy, thousands of UC Santa Barbara students are taking to social media, overwhelmed by the countless number of high-paying internships and job opportunities the...
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A.S. resolution condemns war, Middle East declares peace

June 29, 2025 by

World peace was declared on Wednesday after UC Santa Barbara’s Associated Students passed a resolution to condemn war. Fearing they would become the next victim in a long list of global organization...
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Best ways to establish dominance over your roommate

May 29, 2025 by

Ever wondered how to establish dominance over your roommate? Well look no further, these are the best ways to become the alpha.
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Best song to play on guitar for girls: Wonderwall

May 29, 2025 by

Fellas, get rid of your feminist literature books and false love for matcha, as the fastest way to get ladies to drop their panties in today's day and age is a half-tuned guitar and a semi-courageous,...
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Best way to skip lecture

May 29, 2025 by

By this time of the year, all you degenerates have already skipped at least one or two lectures. And if you say you haven’t, then you’re a liar and a degenerate. Skipping a lecture is an art form,...
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Best way to manipulate women: Music

May 29, 2025 by

Daily Nexus sources have found that the best way to manipulate a woman is to display an interest in her music taste. Upon meeting her, a man should inquire about said music taste, gaining bonus points...
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Best place to walk: Campus bike paths

May 29, 2025 by

Sometimes, walking on the sidewalks or pathways on campus can be so treacherous. It can be uneven, dusty and humiliating. Thankfully, UC Santa Barbara already has dedicated, even walkways for pedestri...
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Best way to set your dorm fire alarm off: Aerosol flamethrower

May 29, 2025 by

A constant in the life of a residential UCSB student is the ever-present fear of fire alarms going off at any hour, day or night. You have not truly lived in the dorms until you have been on the lawn ...
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I.V. celebrates AAPI Month by opening another ambiguous Asian restaurant

May 22, 2025 by

As a Bay Area native, I grew up surrounded by authentic, world-class Asian cuisine. Classic dim sum, delicious pho, fresh sushi and so much more were always within reach. However, I always took issue ...
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Groundbreaking: Local white person feels “deep connection” to Hawai‘i

May 15, 2025 by

Catherine Kegel, a second-year biology major at UC Santa Barbara, announced in her ANTH3 section on Friday that she feels “deeply connected” to the Hawaiian islands after her most recent family va...
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The wild side of UCSB emerges from under the cloud cover

May 15, 2025 by

Under the hot sun, a pack of creatures gathers in the distance. Creeping through bushes littered with discarded red Solo cups and plastic bags, we get a closer look at these specimens. Here on the Ana...
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Santa Rosa demolition halted as rat population protests

May 8, 2025 by

In the wake of Santa Rosa Residence Hall’s projected demolition in the 2026-27 school year, UC Santa Barbara’s rat population has protested their loss of housing. These rats have established histo...
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Post-midterm clarity: The real degree was the friends we made along the way

May 8, 2025 by

After failing my midterms, I have reached a moment of enlightenment: The real degree was the friends we made along the way. 
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Depressing! Sophomore mourns meal swipes after trying to cook

May 8, 2025 by

As a freshman, leaving De La Guerra (DLG) for the first time felt like surviving the apocalypse. Free of the active laxatives they lace their food with, now second-year Jenna Ortega remembered returni...
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