The Daily Stench

Fuck! I forgot to bring my box of condoms to juggling club

Meeting on Fridays in front of Storke Tower, the group preaches their love of all things juggling and circus arts, but also their love for safe sex.
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Someone needs to kiss me on the mouth while my voice is still raspy, sickly and sexy

Call me Narcissus, but I think this Narcissus is rightfully deserving of some kisses-us.
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Letter From the Editor: New Name, Same Stench

And while we will remember our time as “Nexustentialism” fondly, we, the current editors, respectfully, need a goddamn upgrade. 
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My very important “Avatar 2: Way of Water” review

I’m not even playing with you, I was looking to my left and everyone was crying. Not because the movie was emotional, but because they had to pee that badly.
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I’ll say it: I’m a hoe and I’m cold

If you see me popping my pussy in a parka, either tell me that you like my outfit or stay in your fucking lane.
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Finally! Isla Vista introduces 69 block

“And then it hit me,” said UCSB A.S. President Samantha Jamantha. “The solution had been there all along. We had to start 69-ing.”
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I am so full of Panda Express

How does one maintain Existence in this pain?
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I got too much Panda Express

I was tearing through my plate, eating and nom-nomming away like I had no other cares in the world. That was when the trouble began.
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Spiritual man takes pride in killing his ego

Observing his surroundings with a newfound sense of superiority, he swelled with pride knowing that he was simply better than the mindless drones of the world around him.
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UCSB students to be featured in Thanksgiving Day Parade

“We just really love parades,” club founder Turr Keybut explained. “They’re the only part of life that goes by slowly. Sometimes, you just have to appreciate that about them.”
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Thanks for bringing your moms this weekend

This year, I especially want to thank everyone who invited their mom for Parents’ Weekend, and I want to assure you that we had a lovely time together last night.
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Breaking: Hot Ticket UCSB holding group of average white men hostage

“Oh, it was absolutely horrible,” the Goleta Chief of Police Owen K. Bacon said. “From what Detective Rodriguez described, they weren’t even allowed their Sony headphones.”
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Nexustentialism’s favorite strikes

Nexustentialism writers share their favorite strikes.
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Efficient! Scootering Snag employee breaks sound barrier

“Speed. I am speed. 42 bitters. 42 boozers. I eat boozers for breakfast.”
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“Her loss bro,” says some guy in Hugh Hefner costume

Ever since the most famous split in DP history — other than when the deck fell from the cliff — Cockrey has been reportedly “on his king shit” trying to move on from Malessence.
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