It was a classic spring quarter Sunday: I woke up in a random bed on ‘66 block with nothing but my socks, a raging migraine, and a “man”. Our collective stench was comprised of Marlboro Reds, B....
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For any Gaucho, running the gauntlet that is the Arbor walkway is an arduous, unavoidable and annoying-as-fuck task. While every day at the Arbor feels like it offers a new crop of tablers there to ma...
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“AND THEN, HE ASKED, ‘CAN I CUM IN YOU?’”
It was the question heard around Cajé on an unsuspecting Sunday afternoon. In an effort to lock in, I had my laptop open only to the New York Time...
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Aloha! Are you tired of all of this noise on campus? Are you bored of hearing about discrimination in your ethnicity requirement? Are you ready for a getaway from all the partying, tanning and being j...
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Since the turn of the 21st century, angry bitch feminists have been trying to hold men accountable for their crimes. “You’re being misogynistic!” “You’ve never made me finish!” “#MeToo!...
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Having sex with other men, being on Grindr, wearing sunscreen — we know these are all gay for you, as a man, to be doing. All across the planet, researchers work tirelessly every day to discover wha...
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As we approach midterms, the upcoming election, and bikini season, your head may be riddled with anxiety, feminism, and other nasty ideas. Check out campus’ newest resource to ease yourself of these...
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“The rituals that DAD was making their pledges do were straight up inhumane and physically impossible for many of them.”
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The mere two times a week that I inflict a near-death experience upon myself with Tito’s mixed with stolen DLG cranberry cocktail, how are the RAs suddenly there?
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Gauchos, it’s time to get professional. It’s time to connect. It’s time to slide into those LinkedIn DMs.
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As UC Santa Barbara’s class of 2027 sat for their convocation ceremony in Week 0, they were blessed to receive an extremely hilarious speech from Chancellor Henry T. Yang. Amongst his timely referen...
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As UC Santa Barbara’s coolest and sexiest new students adjust to their college lifestyles, the class of 2027 goes to new lengths in order to find sex without having to look each other in the eyes. I...
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Choked by their cap tassel during a graduation photoshoot
Accidentally daps the Chancellor up as they receive their diploma
Decided to skip commencement to go day drink on Del Playa
Ugly crying so hard they drown out "Pomp and Circumstance"
Posing on stage like there's a model scout in the audience (there was)
Can't make it up the steps due to the sheer amount of cords, stoles, and leis
Couldn't decide on a grad dress so they showed up in pajamas under their gown
Showed up to commencement high and suffering from horrendous munchies
Somehow juggling the 15 ceremonies required for their triple major
Graduated with a 5 year plan, chronic anxiety, and a great internship
Reading Kafka in the audience in hopes of an honorary English degree
had their graduation photos taken in the lagoon to be different
