Joseph R. Biden

May 22, 2025

I.V. celebrates AAPI Month by opening another ambiguous Asian restaurant

By Joseph R. Biden

As a Bay Area native, I grew up surrounded by authentic, world-class Asian cuisine. Classic dim sum, delicious pho, fresh sushi and so much more were always within reach. However, I always took issue with these restauran...

May 15, 2025

Groundbreaking: Local white person feels “deep connection” to Hawai‘i

By Joseph R. Biden

Catherine Kegel, a second-year biology major at UC Santa Barbara, announced in her ANTH3 section on Friday that she feels “deeply connected” to the Hawaiian islands after her most recent family vacation. The statemen...

May 1, 2025

A.S. candidates compete in “Ugliest Campaign Sign” contest

By Joseph R. Biden

With the Associated Students elections on the horizon, candidates are taking part in the annual tradition of setting up campaign signs on campus. While the main goal of these signs is to gain supporters, candidates appea...

April 24, 2025

“Weed might be bad for you”? MAHA fearmongering goes too far

By Joseph R. Biden

Vaccines cause autism? Seed oils are bad for you? Raw milk is healthy? Make America Healthy Again (MAHA), Robert Kennedy Jr.’s campaign against scientifically proven American health standards, has spread countless base...

April 10, 2025

D.P. collapses, annual block party renamed “Sabatopia”

By Joseph R. Biden

After 2025’s Deltopia, UCSB’s annual celebration of the beginning of spring quarter, the iconic Del Playa Drive crumbled completely to the ocean. Organizers already anticipate the block party for next year taking pla...

March 27, 2025

Students pollute streets in preparation for Deltopia

By Joseph R. Biden

In preparation for Isla Vista’s annual block party, Deltopia, UCSB students have begun littering Del Playa Drive in order to give visitors an authentic taste of Gaucho life. Students have been spotted dumping extra can...

February 6, 2025

What happened to twerking?

By Joseph R. Biden

In 2016, I felt like I couldn’t even walk through my neighborhood without seeing someone shaking ass. Online. On the wall. On the ground. Upside down. Inside out. Everyone was throwing it back. Now, let me ask you a qu...

January 16, 2025

Local man “not ready to commit” to group project

By Joseph R. Biden

In a groundbreaking display of emotional vulnerability, third-year political science major Andrew Logan announced over the weekend that he is “not ready for the commitment” required by his POL S 15 group project. Sou...

November 14, 2024

Op-ed: Trump is exactly what America needs

By Joseph R. Biden

This past week, America has been divided as ever. The UC Santa Barbara community is a perfect snapshot of our country as a whole. Few worked to mobilize, some voted and most can’t really be bothered to give a shit. ...

October 31, 2024

Nexustentialism’s 2024 Election Voting Guide

By Joseph R. Biden

Are you an undecided voter who can’t bear to choose between the obviously equally-evil candidates on the ballot? Can you not stand to see your country barrel down the path of far-right, totalitarian fascism or wokeism?...

October 24, 2024

“I’m voting for Harris”-ing my way into some puss

By Joseph R. Biden

As a white man with no morals strong enough to form real political views, I was unsure of who to vote for in the upcoming election. Trump’s attempted overthrow of our country wasn’t quite enough to dissuade me, but a...

October 10, 2024

Desperate Republican Party brings out Reagan on Ouija board to ask for money

By Joseph R. Biden

The Republican Party has come under increasing scrutiny for their betrayal of traditional conservative values, and many lifelong Republicans swear to vote blue in November. In response, the Republicans’ latest campaign...

July 14, 2024

Help! The girls on the high school tours scare me

By Joseph R. Biden

It was a classic spring quarter Sunday: I woke up in a random bed on ‘66 block with nothing but my socks, a raging migraine, and a “man”. Our collective stench was comprised of Marlboro Reds, B.O., and regret. As I...

May 30, 2024

Best Arbor Characters

By Joseph R. Biden

For any Gaucho, running the gauntlet that is the Arbor walkway is an arduous, unavoidable and annoying-as-fuck task. While every day at the Arbor feels like it offers a new crop of tablers there to make you feel awkward,...

May 16, 2024

Sex and the unincorporated community: everyone in Cajé can hear your hookup storytime

By Joseph R. Biden

“AND THEN, HE ASKED, ‘CAN I CUM IN YOU?’” It was the question heard around Cajé on an unsuspecting Sunday afternoon. In an effort to lock in, I had my laptop open only to the New York Times Connections and my...

May 9, 2024

Sorority travels to Maui mega-resort in honor of AAPI History Month

By Joseph R. Biden

Aloha! Are you tired of all of this noise on campus? Are you bored of hearing about discrimination in your ethnicity requirement? Are you ready for a getaway from all the partying, tanning and being just a girl? Join you...