Faith Talamantez / The Daily Nexus

In 2016, I felt like I couldn’t even walk through my neighborhood without seeing someone shaking ass. Online. On the wall. On the ground. Upside down. Inside out. Everyone was throwing it back. Now, let me ask you a question: When was the last time you saw someone twerking?

At my ripe middle school age back in the day, twerking was all the rage. Being able to shake ass was a right of passage; one’s debut in society. But, alas, what does it even matter today? Do you really think that the Stanley cup-wielding, retinol-using middle schoolers are busting it down in their House of CB dresses at the eighth grade formal?

UC Santa Barbara seems, from the outside, like an establishment where twerking would take place. And I have yet to see it. People may dance on each other at parties or get low with their friends, but tried and true twerking has been lost.

The demise of twerking is, truly, one of modern society’s greatest mysteries. Why would we leave this incredible legacy behind? Why move on from such a crucial form of expression? What is one to do with a sweaty stoner after one too many vodka crans?

Is it the nature of parties overall? Has mosh culture gone so far that we can no longer do anything except jump back and forth and forcibly rub up against each other? Why has twerking become such a rarity?

I would say that, in general, this is a result of an overall decrease in cuntiness in our society. The girls used to go out in bandage dresses, caked-on bronzer and fried hair down to their waists. The lemon drop shots were flowing. The music was bumping. The ass was shaking.

Now, look around. Slicked-back buns. Blazers. High Noons. Like are you gonna give me a Zoom meeting password? Maybe an Excel tutorial? Everyone is now more worried about preventing their hangover and getting their makeup off before bed than they are about shaking ass.

Additionally, our society has moved away from ass as a concept. Circa-2015, Kim Kardashian’s butt was all the rage and all anyone wanted. The ass was the star of the show. Now, it’s all about that Ozempic, buccal fat removal kind of look. It really isn’t very twerk-core.

The next time you’re at a party, jumping back and forth or standing there or whatnot, think, “Could I be throwing it back right now?” Then contemplate, “Should I throw it back right now?” The answer is always yes. Wedding, work party, club meeting — wherever you are, your twerking will restore a quintessential part of our society.

Everybody get low, low, low, low…