Joseph R. Biden

April 18, 2024

Your mustache can’t hide everything

By Joseph R. Biden

Since the turn of the 21st century, angry bitch feminists have been trying to hold men accountable for their crimes. “You’re being misogynistic!” “You’ve never made me finish!” “#MeToo!” Girl, shut up!

April 14, 2024

Study finds that holding handlebars while biking is “gay”

By Joseph R. Biden

Having sex with other men, being on Grindr, wearing sunscreen — we know these are all gay for you, as a man, to be doing. All across the planet, researchers work tirelessly every day to discover what could be considere...

February 29, 2024

Birth control vending machine now performing lobotomies

By Joseph R. Biden

As we approach midterms, the upcoming election, and bikini season, your head may be riddled with anxiety, feminism, and other nasty ideas. Check out campus’ newest resource to ease yourself of these worries!

February 22, 2024

Local frat disbanded for hazing after making pledges go to class

By Joseph R. Biden

“The rituals that DAD was making their pledges do were straight up inhumane and physically impossible for many of them.”

January 25, 2024

Five nights at FT: Avoiding the RA’s when I’m blackout drunk

By Joseph R. Biden

The mere two times a week that I inflict a near-death experience upon myself with Tito’s mixed with stolen DLG cranberry cocktail, how are the RAs suddenly there?

January 19, 2024

LovedIn: how to find romance on networking websites

By Joseph R. Biden

Gauchos, it’s time to get professional. It’s time to connect. It’s time to slide into those LinkedIn DMs.

November 6, 2023

Call to action: We need to keep talking about Barbenheimer

By Joseph R. Biden

As UC Santa Barbara’s class of 2027 sat for their convocation ceremony in Week 0, they were blessed to receive an extremely hilarious speech from Chancellor Henry T. Yang. Amongst his timely references, one stuck out a...

October 29, 2023

‘Gauchos DTF?’ How to solicit sex on the class of ‘27 Snapchat story

By Joseph R. Biden

As UC Santa Barbara’s coolest and sexiest new students adjust to their college lifestyles, the class of 2027 goes to new lengths in order to find sex without having to look each other in the eyes. In reaction to unexpe...