Juliet Becker / Daily Nexus

Since the turn of the 21st century, angry bitch feminists have been trying to hold men accountable for their crimes. “You’re being misogynistic!” “You’ve never made me finish!” “#MeToo!” Girl, shut up!

Everything changed when the great stachedemic of 2024 took the world by storm. The public has become blind to male wrongdoings. UCSB men, in particular, have been allowed to wreak havoc across Isla Vista behind the mask of upper lip pubes.

Recently-mustached men report that they enjoy reaping the benefits of this newfound loophole. 

“Bitches now automatically assume I’m a sensitive artist for some reason,” third-year economics major and secret Republican Ethan Riley said. “I don’t have to do any heavy lifting anymore in convincing girls that I’m a good person. Manipulation has never been easier.”

Experts have analyzed the science behind why and how mustaches have hypnotized impressionable (horny) women.

“A strange phenomenon occurs when ugly, heinous, disgusting, abhorrent men that strike fear in your soul when you look at them grow a weak mustache,” gender studies professor Natasha Nuiscanse said. “The possibility of them being a bad person evaporates to women as they, for some reason, only associate positive personality traits with mustaches.”

However, mustaches alone cannot completely conceal male evil. There is a full package associated with the malicious mustached-man aesthetic. Baggy jeans, Birkenstock Bostons, ZYN abuse and a surprisingly alt-right political ideology are quintessential to avoiding accountability.

Local officials warn I.V. women of the danger of mustached men and offer advice on how to avoid their wrath.

“We strongly recommend that women stay away from men found at Caje and in PHIL classes,” Santa Barbara County Sheriff Daryl Kunnt said. “These men are extremely high-risk when it comes to growing mustaches or displaying equally heinous behavior.”

It is more crucial than ever for women to stay vigilant in these trying times. Ladies, keep your head on a swivel. Gents, keep your upper lips bare.

Joseph R. Biden mustache you a question but will shave it for later.