Nexustentialism

It's satire, stupid.

Trump purchases Solvang

January 15, 2026 by

The nation has been rocked by the news of President Donald Trump’s recent territorial acquisition, which the administration claims is part of his latest bid to increase the national security of the ...
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Ask Stench: Answering your burning questions

January 15, 2026 by

On our Instagram (8.2M followers, btw) we asked you if you needed any advice. As a California state-licensed therapist, bikini model and former U.S. President, who better to answer than I?
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Isla Vista man struggles to reassimilate after 4 months abroad

January 8, 2026 by

Local legend and third-year statistics and data science major Riley Logan of UC Santa Barbara has reportedly been struggling to fit back into American culture after a revelatory semester abroad. After...
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Disastrous pass time ends freshman’s academic career

November 20, 2025 by

With Pass 1 of course registration having concluded this past week, devastated students, especially freshmen, have been left in its wake. UC Santa Barbara has been experiencing unprecedented rates of ...
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Isla Vista residents react: Del Playa Drive washed into sea

November 20, 2025 by

After a week of heavy rainstorms and high winds around Southern California, very few communities were impacted more than Isla Vista, California. UC Santa Barbara's iconic Del Playa Drive was washed aw...
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Shocking: Professor says “67,” campus in hysteric

November 13, 2025 by

In an event that has experts desperately searching for solutions and the employed scratching their heads, approximately 1,000 students at UC Santa Barbara are in an irreversible state of hysteria afte...
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UCSB releases alternative study spots

November 13, 2025 by

With midterm season waning and library hours back after popular demand, UC Santa Barbara has released a list of alternative study spots just in time to accommodate absolutely nobody. With student comf...
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Santa Barbara Airport shuts down

November 13, 2025 by

Amidst budget cuts due to the ongoing government shutdown, the Federal Aviation Administration announced this morning that Santa Barbara Airport will permanently suspend commercial flight operations. ...
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Guy Who Doesn’t Read News “Disturbed” by State of the Nation

November 6, 2025 by

Commemorating the one-year anniversary of the presidential election, local UC Santa Barbara student and third-year doomscroll studies major Evan Ignorami announced on Oct. 28 that he was “deeply uns...
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Gone Sexual? 5 Strange Things Gavin Newsom Has Texted Me

November 6, 2025 by

With California’s special election approaching, state Democrats have gone on the campaign trail to pass Proposition 50 into law. Chief among these politicians has been California’s governor and fu...
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UCSB unveils new non-DEI curriculum

November 6, 2025 by

In accordance with the wishes of our beloved well-endowed president, UCSB has renovated its curriculum, replacing all the ugly WOKENESS with PATRIOTIC teachings. Here is a list of our beloved leader...
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Spooky season! Midterm grades are coming back

October 30, 2025 by

A sinister feel has settled over UC Santa Barbara, making chills run down the student body’s back despite the 80-degree weather. Everywhere, faces are falling as the dreaded notification pops up on ...
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Mayor declares martial law: Halloween noise ordinance indefinite

October 30, 2025 by

With Halloween just around the corner, students at UC Santa Barbara were met with unfortunate news after a noise ordinance from 10/26 to 11/4 was announced for this holiday season. Music will not be a...
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Associated Students passes Prop 67, Isla Vista divided

October 23, 2025 by

In a shocking turn of events, a proposition has passed through the UC Santa Barbara Associated Students, officially seceding UC Santa Barbara from the state of California. This move, which experts hav...
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Trump Declares Monarchy Amid “No Kings” Protests

October 23, 2025 by

In June 2025, on President Trump’s 79th birthday, small yet symbolic protests emerged during the United States Army parade, targeting what organizers called “authoritarian policies.” After this ...
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