Nexustentialism

It's satire, stupid.

Best ways to ensure a return offer from your summer internship

With spring quarter coming to an end, many students may anticipate summer fun: trading in the sunny Isla Vista lifestyle for eight hours behind a desk everyday at a summer internship.
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Best ways to NOT accept that you’re graduating

Society always seems to warn against peaking in high school: “The best years of your life are still ahead of you,” “High school doesn’t define who you are.” But what are we supposed to do on...
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Seven ways to have the least self-destructive breakup

So your partner broke up with you. Maybe this was the guy you’ve been dating since high school and you went through the whole long-distance ordeal in a desperate attempt to make it work. 
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Dominic Fike plays iconic ‘Euphoria’ song at Extravaganza

Last weekend, Extravaganza headliner Dominic Fike shocked the audience by doing a surprise performance of his original song from “Euphoria” season two during his set.
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“Yang”: Chancellor Yang biopic in production

UC Santa Barbara recently announced that a biopic on former chancellor, Henry T. Yang, has begun production.
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ASPB implements X-ray technology at Extravaganza to prevent booze smuggling

In the past, Extravaganza has been the stomping ground of unruly underaged students looking to get wasted with their buddies. This year, the Associated Students Program Board had enough and implemente...
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Extravaganza lineup unites gays and straights alike

Extravaganza's lineup has finally been released and, surprisingly, UC Santa Barbara students of all sexualities have united over the artists picked to perform.
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Horses escape from 68 Pasado, find frat ketamine

Last weekend, as the usual Isla Vista festivities began to bathe the town in mutli-colored lights and the sound of 40 beginner bands, an unusual newcomer to the Goleta scene took the night by storm, o...
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Irritated by cigarettes’ “mainstream” popularity, indie man smokes pipe

Second-year political science major Jake Bertrand made waves in the Isla Vista community this past Wednesday at Pint Night when he was spotted smoking an 1800s-era tobacco pipe outside of Woodstock’...
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Top five places to shit on campus

There comes a time in every Gaucho’s life when taking a shit on campus is absolutely necessary. Maybe you’re egregiously hungover from your housemate’s “Wine Wednesday,” or maybe your Arbor ...
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The 5 Most Underrated UCSB Eats

Are you tired of eating food from the same restaurants over and over again in Isla Vista? Look no further! While I.V. has limited restaurant options, there still are hidden gems waiting to be discover...
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Spoiled! Sugar daddy buys me granola on EBT

I know you guys just read the headline and are jealous. It's okay, you can just live vicariously through me.
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A.S. election, California gubernatorial race compete for irrelevancy

The UC Santa Barbara spring election was supposed to close this past Thursday but was extended due to low voter turnout, with items on the ballot such as Associated Students offices and nothing else t...
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Wait dude I’m like so high right now

Ok waitttt my friend gave me a 5 mg edible dude im like actually so high it’s crazy like literally i cant even feel my face dude holy shit. Im totally zoinked dude its like not funny.
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Gay off that J: “I get so gay off that sativa”

As the annual celebration of 4/20 in UC Santa Barbara rears its smoky head once again, it will come with the inevitable uptick in reports of fuzzy romantic feelings of the homosexual variety.
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