Madeline Bryce / Daily Nexus

Second-year political science major Jake Bertrand made waves in the Isla Vista community this past Wednesday at Pint Night when he was spotted smoking an 1800s-era tobacco pipe outside of Woodstock’s. 

Tobacco seems to be making a comeback in the last few years, perhaps in response to the popularity of vaping in the 2010s. In the early 2020s, cigarette smoking was an activity for sensitive artists, anorexics and Europeans. Unfortunately, normies have hijacked cigarette-smoking culture, especially when drunk.

Bertrand’s choice to use a pipe was intentional: He chose to separate himself from the masses. His use of the pipe was noted by multiple onlookers.

“I was having the time of my life, standing in the street here listening to a groundbreaking cover of ‘You Get What You Give’ when I saw him,” third-year statistics and data science major Ella Borovikov said. “It was so bizarre, it was like Teddy Roosevelt was at Woodstock’s or something.”

While many strangers noticed Bertrand’s indie behavior, his friends gave special insight into his habits and behavior.

“Jake is the coolest person I know. He’s always putting me onto the coolest indie shit. Last week, he showed me this movie called “Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind.” He does the most cutting edge stuff, it doesn’t surprise me that he was over cigs,” second-year sociology major Nicholas Park said.

Bertrand himself commented on why he departed from cigarette culture.

“Back in the day, when you went to take a smoke break, only the chillest people were out there. Musicians, writers – visionaries, really,” Bertrand said. “Now, everyone and their mothers are out there. If you take out a cig, everyone will jump down your throat to get one. Like, who am I supposed to talk to about the American military-industrial complex?”

Bertrand detailed the process that he took to distance himself from cigarette smokers.

“Vaping is so ran-through. ZYNs are just not cool because people can’t really see when you’re doing them. I needed to do something completely different. When I was home last weekend, my dad was showing me my grandpa’s old stuff, and that’s when I saw the pipe. I knew it would be perfect for Pint Night,” Bertrand said.

After fellow Pint Night attendees noticed Bertrand’s unique smoking device, some were intrigued.

“I went up to him and asked for a hit. He said, ‘Name three songs from Blonde.’ I didn’t know what he was talking about and when I didn’t answer fast enough, he rolled his eyes and turned around. The fuck?” fourth-year biology major Sierra Muller said.

However, envy struck some other members of the indie male community. Third-year environmental studies major and esteemed Depop seller Ethan Phan saw Bertrand, sparking outrage.

“I thought that I was gonna attract the most attention smoking outside Pint Night with my French Vogue cigarettes. But then I look over and see this motherfucker with a pipe,” Phan said. “How am I supposed to compete with that? Bring a bong and hit tobacco out of that?”

After much community upset over Bertrand’s pipe, he took to Instagram to explain himself. He shared the following message via the “Create” feature on Instagram stories to his 722 followers. 

“if you wanna hit the pipe you cant. its my gpas. but if you bad swipe up n maybe we can make a deal.”

Later that week, Bertrand was spotted outside of the library donning a Stüssy hoodie, smoking the pipe again. His brave choice to smoke a pipe indicates a coming increase in innovation and forward thinking from indie men across I.V.

Joseph R. Biden wants to be piped.