Having sex with other men, being on Grindr, wearing sunscreen — we know these are all gay for you, as a man, to be doing. All across the planet, researchers work tirelessly every day to discover what could be considered “begayvior” (gay behavior).

On Monday, a groundbreaking discovery came out of Lawrence Berkeley National Laboratory (LBL) that confirmed that if you are a man, touching your handlebars while biking is gay. Researchers report that the only way to avoid allegaytions while biking is to keep your hands folded across your chest or in your pockets.

The main research question of this study is, “Why is holding your handlebars inherently gay?”

“Well, handlebars have an inherently phallic shape,” laboratory director Annalse Ecks said. “If you feel comfortable wrapping your fingers around your handlebars, you might as well just jerk off two guys at once in public while you’re at it.”

Once the news of LBL’s latest discovery hit UCSB males, the impact was evident. 

“Gaccusations (gay accusations) are just about the worst thing that can happen to a man nowadays,” second-year heterosexual studies major Buttep Lugge said. “I almost considered throwing handlebars away, along with my other phallic belongings, like my bananas and dildos.”

UCSB understands that this news may be shocking and alarming to some students. They want to reiterate the plethora of campus resources available to those experiencing psychological stress in this trying time.

“Counseling & Psychological Services [C.A.P.S.] is always available for students to use, but it may be difficult for ststudents (straight students) to access C.A.P.S. via bike paths without using their handlebars,” campus psychologist Balzin Maimouthe said. “We recommend that students take a heterosexual mode of transportation to C.A.P.S., like driving with one hand on the wheel or walking bizarrely slowly.”

In light of this discovery, some students have begun looking into other possible begayvior that they may accidentally be exhibiting.

“I used to kiss my roommate, Julio, goodnight,” first-year conservative studies major Dick Zdelishus said. “Sometimes, he used to stroke my hair until I fell asleep or suck my dick if I was really down bad, but in a straight way. But the other day, I saw him touching his handlebars, and I’m lowkey worried he’s gay now.”

Academic experts weigh in on how UCSB men can avoid gaccusations going forward.

“The number one thing that men can do to not seem gay is to practice absolute abstinence. For this, we recommend that they start abusing ZYNs, shaving their heads and post-mirror selfies on their Instagram stories,” virginity professor Eeteng Poossae said.


Joseph R. Biden can’t ride a bike or a dick.