Left on delivered? Your TA is plotting against you? Last night you performed a half-assed table dance and everyone saw up your skirt? Worry not! Gone are the days of inner turmoil. After the success of the campus library’s contraceptive vending machine, it will now offer a new service: lobotomies.

Now, you may be wondering: “how does a vending machine perform surgery?”

“It’s really quite simple,” said vending machine engineer Jordan Hobbes. “All you need to do is pay 25 dollars. Then, you just stick your head in the slot at the bottom, and BOOM! The ice pick gets you.”

The stigma of lobotomies may scare potential customers away–however, their benefits can be plentiful. The stress brought upon by avoiding your RA when you’re lighting up in your dorm can be easily relieved. The fact that you haven’t figured out your housing situation for next year can simply disappear from your mind.

Think about your current mind: self-aware, lucid, concerned about the state of America’s crumbling democracy. Isn’t it hell? After just one quick trip to the library’s second floor, you can begin to embody the mindset (or lack thereof) of those shirtless white men who play die in their yards in the middle of the day.

Your new vegetable brain will make you so ditsy and unaware that men may actually like you. Your lack of an ability to make decisions will make them go crazy for you. The days of “crazy bitch” and saying “no” are over. Tap into your ultimate girl brain! Once your frontal lobe is blended into a nice pulp, all you need is a big strong man to lead you around.

Now, you may ask, “Why don’t men get lobotomies?”

“Men are actually born naturally lobotomized,” said Psychology and Brain Sciences Professor Lena Khan. “Their frontal lobe essentially stops developing after age six. Lobotomies simply don’t change anything when performed on men.”

As we approach midterms, the upcoming election, and bikini season, your head may be riddled with anxiety, feminism, and other nasty ideas. Check out campus’ newest resource to ease yourself of these worries!


Women be crazy!