Tinder, Hinge, Christian Mingle: what do they have to offer? These once-beloved apps to find blowjobs and love have become riddled with uggos, serial killers and proletarians. How are you ever going to find your soulmate among this scum? Gauchos, it’s time to get professional. It’s time to connect. It’s time to slide into those LinkedIn DMs.

Looking for love on websites like LinkedIn, Handshake and Indeed requires impeccable technique and just the right amount of rizz to ride the line between professional and romantic. As someone who has been targeted not once, but twice, by LinkedIn pickup artists, I am a connoisseur of workplace romance.

Here are my top tips on bagging a motivated, career-driven lover on professional websites.

  1. Redefine what it means to be desirable

On barbarian dating websites, you may calibrate who you’re attracted to based on their face, their interests or their hot ass. Throw that all out the window. When you’re looking for a professional baddie, only two categories matter: their connections and their experience. Fewer than 100 connections? PASS. No recent work experience? PASS. That’s not what you’re looking for. Your body is a temple. Aim higher. 

  1. Come in hot with your most professional pickup line

The days of “Are you looking for a stud? Because I already have an STD, I just need U” are over. Instead of saying “wyd,” try using more corporate language, like, “Can we schedule a time to discuss that fine ass of yours?” To piggyback off of that, try using other professional interfaces, like Microsoft Teams and Excel, to plan your dates. Invite your love interest to an event on your calendar!

  1. Don’t do anything you wouldn’t do with HR watching you

Kissing? Fondling? Canoodling? No. Always dance with enough room for an HR professional to stand between you and your partner. Your work always comes first and foremost. Don’t make any risky moves with potential suitors that could jeopardize your career. And, remember, always say the HR prayer before indulging in any non-professional activities.

  1. Never discuss anything other than work

Do you think you should be with someone who’s as career-driven as you? Yes? Then why are you discussing anything other than your corporate passions? Why would you want someone who cares about stupid things like your day or media or family? If you’ve really found yourself a good partner, they won’t want to discuss anything but work. Even better if they only want to hear about your work!

  1. Bring a laminated, physical copy of your resume to any date

This one is self-explanatory. Will 100% get you laid. Even better if you bring a business card and a cover letter explaining your intentions.

As the most professionally desirable person out there, my advice is sound and always guaranteed to get you into that bed (or office). Good luck getting that professional pussy.

 

Joseph R. Biden knows way too much about sliding into the DMs.

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