Faith Talamantez/The Daily Nexus

As UC Santa Barbara’s coolest and sexiest new students adjust to their college lifestyles, the class of 2027 goes to new lengths in order to find sex without having to look each other in the eyes. In reaction to unexpected involuntary celibacy, students take to soliciting sex on the communal Snapchat story.

After lurking on there, for research purposes I swear, here are some of my (internet sexpert) best tips on how to engage in communal coitus over Snapchat.

1. Post headshots and a resume

No one wants to hook up with an unmotivated loser. You’re soliciting sex on the class of 2027 story because you’re a cool, sexually-active badass. Show it! You can get professional nude headshots and resume help at the UCSB Career Services. Maybe link the LinkedIn while you’re at it?

2. Let your potential partners see a slice of your riveting life

If you want meaningful connections, you MUST post your everyday life and emotions. “Gauchos in class?” “Horny Gauchos?” “Gauchos eating Wingstop in the middle of the night?” Your future conquests, along with everyone else on the story, want to hear all about that! Let us all know how cool and coming of age your college experience is.

3. Give your exact location to everyone on the story

People need to know where you are in order to know if they’re DTF. The great thing about posting “Anyone horny on San Miguel west tower fourth floor?” is that potential hook-ups will know exactly how far they have to go in order to bang you! The more specific, the better.

4. Contrast your cool Snapchat persona with an off-putting, strange personality in real life

Mystery is key to your sexy college self. Don’t give it up too easily, you trashy skank. You may be desperately posting every single “interesting” detail of your life on the communal Snapchat story for the entire student body to see, but in real life, try to be as strange and unpleasant as possible. Never let them know your next move!

5. You don’t need protection with your trusty fellow Gauchos

Condoms? Dental dams? Pepper spray? Dignity? Leave it all behind! Only the finest, most dignified, trustworthy people are responding to sex solicitations on Snapchat. That’s one of the reasons that the community Snapchat is such a great place to find partners. You don’t need to worry about all of the silly precautions that you normally have to take with others. Embrace your skankiest self!