Nexustentialism

It's satire, stupid.

Trumpkin Spice Lattes prove the winner

November 14, 2024 by

Ladies and gentleman, the poll data is in. Young college students, some of them UC Santa Barbara’s very own, contributed to Donald Trump’s reelection. The reason: Trumpkin Spice Lattes. Yes, you h...
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Your body, my choice: Gluing fake pregnancy bellies to deserving men

November 14, 2024 by

Dick Thucker was horrified when he woke up the day after the presidential election. Rubbing his bleary eyes, he was shocked to see a huge pregnant belly blocking his feet from view instead of his usua...
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Op-ed: Trump is exactly what America needs

November 14, 2024 by

This past week, America has been divided as ever. The UC Santa Barbara community is a perfect snapshot of our country as a whole. Few worked to mobilize, some voted and most can’t really be bothered...
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Raccoon elected chancellor, proclaims open garbage policy

November 14, 2024 by

After a long, arduous search for the individual who truly understands UC Santa Barbara and Isla Vista the best, the senate advisory committee announced today that it will appoint Dave Raccoon as UCSB...
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Right on time! I made it to class 10 minutes before it ended

November 7, 2024 by

Let’s paint the scene. It’s a Saturday night. I went out with my friends. That’s what Saturdays are for, right? We got burritos at Freebirds, chilled in the lounge and played blackjack until 2 a...
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UCSB Environmental Health & Safety says ‘IDGAF’

November 7, 2024 by

UC Santa Barbara’s Environmental Health & Safety has made headlines this week following a loud explosion reported in the building, halting business (which many didn’t even know was happening). As ...
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Hallway fashion show: dignity out, towel wraps in!

November 7, 2024 by

Some say college is a sexual awakening, a time where the youth can shed the confines of their parents’ disapproval and emerge into their young adulthood as the hot, slinky things they were born to b...
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I’ve Been Lost In Phelps Hall For Seven Years

November 7, 2024 by

My name is George Gello, and I’ve been lost in Phelps Hall for seven years. However, I’m still hopeful I’ll get to my class, History of Architecture 3B. In fact, I predict my seven years in a te...
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Trump vows to bring back Dank Bowls to win I.V. vote

November 5, 2024 by

In an attempt to sway the majority-Democrat population of Isla Vista and secure more votes in his favor, Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump has promised that if he wins the election, he will...
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Halloweener: My spooky visitation to the men’s restroom

October 31, 2024 by

Upon reflection, I should’ve known — I should’ve known that the flickering lights in the hallway were a bad omen, the sounds of a ping pong game akin to a funeral dirge and the smiles of passers...
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Nexustentialism’s 2024 Election Voting Guide

October 31, 2024 by

Are you an undecided voter who can’t bear to choose between the obviously equally-evil candidates on the ballot? Can you not stand to see your country barrel down the path of far-right, totalitarian...
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“I’m voting for Harris”-ing my way into some puss

October 24, 2024 by

As a white man with no morals strong enough to form real political views, I was unsure of who to vote for in the upcoming election. Trump’s attempted overthrow of our country wasn’t quite enough t...
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Campus tours to now include section with dorm bathrooms

October 24, 2024 by

In an effort to show prospective students the real and unfiltered experience of a student on UC Santa Barbara’s campus, the Office of Admissions announced today that all upcoming and future tours of...
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The Habit gives you what they make, not what you want

October 18, 2024 by

Habit Burger & Grill in Isla Vista, California, has taken to fucking up orders. “I ordered a strawberry milkshake,” Heskel Norwood, a UC Santa Barbara student who went to the Habit last Tuesday, ...
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Cop dresses as curb, lures students to sit on him

October 17, 2024 by

“Hey! Yeah, you! You look pretty tired, do you maybe want to take a seat?”
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