Nexustentialism

January 30, 2025

Straight man nods head at back of band show, shocked no women approach him

By Gauchoe Joe

It was 11:38 p.m. at the ‘Snot Fuckers’ bandshow in the backyard of a house on 69 Del Playa Drive. A diverse crowd of music enjoyers had gathered: girls seeking a break from the Bikinis and Benadryl party at a nearby...

January 23, 2025

Size does matter: Instagram feed update fucking sucks

By Fart Tent

Are you trying to ruin my life, Meta?

January 23, 2025

UCSB unveils new 10-year academic plan

By Serrano Ham

After wasting their first quarter at UC Santa Barbara taking Online Walking, many students are realizing that major requirement classes are hard to come by. To combat this widespread problem and the outrage of the studen...

January 16, 2025

Local man “not ready to commit” to group project

By Joseph R. Biden

In a groundbreaking display of emotional vulnerability, third-year political science major Andrew Logan announced over the weekend that he is “not ready for the commitment” required by his POL S 15 group project. Sou...

January 16, 2025

Study finds that riding electric skateboards DOES make you cool

By Fart Tent

Despite previous understanding that the only cool way to ride a skateboard is, you know, the normal way by using your leg to push, a new study finds that there might be a much cooler way. Students have gained a huge incr...

January 14, 2025

UCSB parent Facebook group found extremely informative

By Fart Tent

While UC Santa Barbara students waste their time doing coke off of collapsing beachfront porches, their parents are worried sick. Reliable news sources, only made available on Facebook, have found that there are at least...

December 29, 2024

Yay! Parents gifts based on my interests at twelve

By Fart Tent

For yet another year, college students are haunted by the ghost of middle school past. When opening gifts on Christmas morning, one can only dream of receiving the trendy Tiffany lamp or Pedro Pascal wrapped under the tr...

November 21, 2024

Finally! High winds blow short kings away

By Fart Tent

Isla Vista’s colder months have arrived and the intense weather has caused great harm to men under 5 feet 6 inches tall. Winds reaching above 20 mph have caught these young men by their basketball shorts, sweeping them...

November 14, 2024

Trumpkin Spice Lattes prove the winner

By Serrano Ham

Ladies and gentleman, the poll data is in. Young college students, some of them UC Santa Barbara’s very own, contributed to Donald Trump’s reelection. The reason: Trumpkin Spice Lattes. Yes, you heard that right, Tru...

November 14, 2024

Your body, my choice: Gluing fake pregnancy bellies to deserving men

By Fart Tent

Dick Thucker was horrified when he woke up the day after the presidential election. Rubbing his bleary eyes, he was shocked to see a huge pregnant belly blocking his feet from view instead of his usual morning wood. This...

November 14, 2024

Op-ed: Trump is exactly what America needs

By Joseph R. Biden

This past week, America has been divided as ever. The UC Santa Barbara community is a perfect snapshot of our country as a whole. Few worked to mobilize, some voted and most can’t really be bothered to give a shit. ...

November 14, 2024

Raccoon elected chancellor, proclaims open garbage policy

By Archimedes

After a long, arduous search for the individual who truly understands UC Santa Barbara and Isla Vista the best, the senate advisory committee announced today that it will appoint Dave Raccoon as UCSB’s new chancellor, ...

November 7, 2024

Right on time! I made it to class 10 minutes before it ended

By Heighlieghhgh Ehnnn

Let’s paint the scene. It’s a Saturday night. I went out with my friends. That’s what Saturdays are for, right? We got burritos at Freebirds, chilled in the lounge and played blackjack until 2 a.m. Jerry took most ...

November 7, 2024

UCSB Environmental Health & Safety says ‘IDGAF’

By Serrano Ham

UC Santa Barbara’s Environmental Health & Safety has made headlines this week following a loud explosion reported in the building, halting business (which many didn’t even know was happening). As employees evacuated ...

November 7, 2024

Hallway fashion show: dignity out, towel wraps in!

By Serrano Ham

Some say college is a sexual awakening, a time where the youth can shed the confines of their parents’ disapproval and emerge into their young adulthood as the hot, slinky things they were born to be. Those same people...

November 7, 2024

I’ve Been Lost In Phelps Hall For Seven Years

By Benjamin Epstein

My name is George Gello, and I’ve been lost in Phelps Hall for seven years. However, I’m still hopeful I’ll get to my class, History of Architecture 3B. In fact, I predict my seven years in a terribly designed buil...