Isla Vista’s colder months have arrived and the intense weather has caused great harm to men under 5 feet 6 inches tall. Winds reaching above 20 mph have caught these young men by their basketball shorts, sweeping them up with the hair clumps and trash littering the streets of I.V. Unfortunately, many of these righteous men have ignored weather alerts, claiming that no true alpha would bend to any woman, including Mother Nature. 

“I tried to hold on to the stem of a flower with this girl who was like, 5 [feet] 2 [inches] but she kicked me off. I was going up and down for hours before the wind died down enough for me to army crawl indoors,” fourth-year political science major David Muram said.

Unlike the beautiful women being weighed down by their Mary Janes and UGG boots, these smaller men are easily picked up by fast winds. In order to stay safe, petite men should try filling their water bottles and carrying textbooks to help weigh their bodies down. If the wind is still making life difficult, it may be wise to start wearing bigger shoes with weights at the bottom that AREN’T like heels. It’s different. It’s basically training your calves.

“I saw this guy I used to talk to trapped in a wind tunnel. Huge ick!” second-year history major Lila Phelps said. “He kept screaming like, ‘Get me down! Help!’ as if someone was gonna stop.”

Smarter shorties have made the choice to stay indoors unless they have the appropriate gear. Many short men have been tricked into going outside through their desire to be blown by anything at all, resulting in a continued stream of boys flying through the sky. Until the winds start to lessen, it’s highly advised that all short men stay inside and leave the rest of us alone. 

Fart Tent loves Bruno Mars.