Size does matter: Instagram feed update fucking sucks

Are you trying to ruin my life, Meta?
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Study finds that riding electric skateboards DOES make you cool

Despite previous understanding that the only cool way to ride a skateboard is, you know, the normal way by using your leg to push, a new study finds that there might be a much cooler way. Students hav...
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UCSB parent Facebook group found extremely informative

While UC Santa Barbara students waste their time doing coke off of collapsing beachfront porches, their parents are worried sick. Reliable news sources, only made available on Facebook, have found tha...
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Yay! Parents gifts based on my interests at twelve

For yet another year, college students are haunted by the ghost of middle school past. When opening gifts on Christmas morning, one can only dream of receiving the trendy Tiffany lamp or Pedro Pascal ...
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Finally! High winds blow short kings away

Isla Vista’s colder months have arrived and the intense weather has caused great harm to men under 5 feet 6 inches tall. Winds reaching above 20 mph have caught these young men by their basketball s...
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Your body, my choice: Gluing fake pregnancy bellies to deserving men

Dick Thucker was horrified when he woke up the day after the presidential election. Rubbing his bleary eyes, he was shocked to see a huge pregnant belly blocking his feet from view instead of his usua...
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Cop dresses as curb, lures students to sit on him

“Hey! Yeah, you! You look pretty tired, do you maybe want to take a seat?”
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UCSB replaces Gaucho with mascot that offends different minority

In honor of Hispanic Heritage month, UC Santa Barbara has announced that they will pick a new mascot to replace the Gaucho — one that offends a different minority.
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Nexustentialism’s guide to reintroducing yourself to Isla Vista

Welcome back, Gauchos! As hordes of students return to their beloved party by the sea, Isla Vista is beginning to fill with the familiar ring of people screaming outside at 2 in the morning. Upon retu...
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Trump announces departure from supervillainhood after losing arch nemesis

“It’s not the same without him,” said Donald “Joker” Trump, following the loss of his rival, Joe Batman. 
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Mauna Kall to action: Chancellor Yang trapped in telescope

The University of California Board of Rejects has long been subject to protests surrounding their project to build a telescope on Mauna Kea, a land that is sacred both culturally and environmentally t...
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What the frack? RuPaul only talked about drag

This past Thursday, UC Santa Barbara had a very exciting guest speaker, a real gem within the drilling community. After leasing mineral rights to oil companies on his ranch,  RuPaul became a notable ...
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Targeted? Other people bought the same swimsuit as me

Deltopia has come and gone, and now that the hangovers have fully subsided, many Gauchos have found themselves mourning their individuality. Frequent unintentional twinning has taken a toll on student...
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Top five women I’d make history with

To kick off this March, here’s a list of the top five women that you already know I’d make some good history with. 
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Venmore! Black woman makes hundreds off white friends for Black History Month

Have you given your Black friends $5 for Black History Month yet? If not, you are FAR behind schedule and third year Morris Martin is not afraid to let it be known. 
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