While UC Santa Barbara students waste their time doing coke off of collapsing beachfront porches, their parents are worried sick. Reliable news sources, only made available on Facebook, have found that there are at least 30 emergencies happening in Santa Barbara at any given time, all of which are immediate and pertinent threats to students.

“HAS ANYONE SEEN MY SON’S PET BUNNY? SOMEONE BROKE INTO HIS 45-PERSON APARTMENT AND STOLE IT FROM UNDER HIS NOSE! WATCH OUT FOR THIS THEIF!!!!!!” a post from Darla R. Abbit read. 

“THERE IS A KILLER ON THE LOOSE!!! MY DAUGHTER SAW A STRANGE (AND BY THE LOOKS OF HER BLURRY PHOTO, DEFINITELY DANGEROUS) MAN GET INTO HIS CAR OUTSIDE OF AN APARTMENT. PLEASE TELL YOUR STUDENT TO BE VIGILANT AND NOT TO GO OUTSIDE BECAUSE THEY COULD BE VICTIM!” another worried mom posted.

Many students are unable to understand the runes that make Facebook usable and are therefore completely unaware of how many serious problems pop up in Isla Vista at any given time. Dutiful parents are sure to keep their students on a tight chain, even from their suburban homes seven hours away, ensuring that they are aware of the many suspicious figures lurking just outside. However, not every post is bad news.

“Can anyone help me find a date for my son? I am worried he is wasting our out-of-state tuition money by not talking to any girls. Any parents willing to set up? He is a smart, good-looking boy,” a parent posted.

After a 118-post-long comment thread, parents of many students were successfully able to set their children up for dates. In their defense, parents insisted that back in their day, ‘This is what college was all about anyways,’ so it wasn’t too big of a deal. Unfortunately for students, this meant either going on a blind date with a potential loser or explaining to their parents just how complicated their situationship really was. Most chose skipping the date, creating new arguments with their parents, resulting in a new flood of posts on Facebook. 

“My daughter just admitted to me that she has smoked the DEVIL’S LETTUCE and drank ALCOHOL in college. I am driving to Santa Barbara RIGHT NOW!” a post from your mom, who is extremely disappointed in you, read. 

With a new understanding of Facebook’s power, many students have attempted to infiltrate these Facebook groups to start changing the narratives. Despite being unable to tell that AI dancing fruit babies were not real, the guardians of UCSB parent Facebook groups know a student when they see one and have denied every single one. In retaliation, there has been a continued effort by parents to control their students using different methods and tricks presented in the book. Luckily, most parents in these groups already know that Nexustentialism accepts bribes and has the wonderful ability to control the minds of students! Hit us up!

 

Fart Tent is going to ask her mom to post this on a parent Facebook group to stir the pot.

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