The University of California Board of Rejects has long been subject to protests surrounding their project to build a telescope on Mauna Kea, a land that is sacred both culturally and environmentally to Native Hawaiians. Although protests have delayed construction up to this point, changes are swiftly being made after first-year English major Mia Alama trapped Chancellor Henry T. Yang in a telescope. Not so fun now, is it?

“He looks so silly in there,” Alama said. “I just want to carry him in my pocket like a little elf!”

Alama has been stationed at the Arbor every day for the past week, allowing people to look at Chancellor Yang trapped in a huge telescope. Students have gathered around him almost constantly, the crowd never falling below 50. Many students came armed with tomatoes and posters listing their many complaints with the chancellor’s actions in Hawai’i. Many took pictures with Yang in the background. The chancellor seemed relatively unbothered by the protesting students, and instead, seemed to enjoy them tapping on the glass. 

The telescope quickly garnered the attention of the larger Santa Barbara area, and toward the end of the week, campus was seeing record numbers of visitors, curious about the chancellor in a telescope. His trap, designed by Alama to mimic the one being potentially built in Hawai’i, is a whopping 30 meters, making it only slightly shorter than Storke Tower. As Alama has explained, Mauna Kea is a dormant volcano, and access to the summit was meant to be restricted to only high-ranking Hawaiian leaders. 

When asked if she has any plans to release Yang, Alama explained that she plans to keep him in the telescope until he sees things from a new perspective. She promises that she has been feeding him wet lettuce and crackers every few hours, which seems to be his preferred diet. 

“I think it’s good that we’re finally making him uncomfortable in a way he can’t avoid,” said third-year Biology major Robert Roodriguez. “Although, when I saw him on DP during Deltopia, he did look pretty weirded out.” 

Currently, Yang remains in the telescope, and rests in a little ball against one of the telescope walls. Crowds have been consistent, but orderly, often waking up Yang from his sleep with their chants. If any of you Gauchos haven’t taken a look, be sure to, and remind Chancellor Yang that Hawai’i is not his land to build on!

Fart Tent is curious if anyone knows how to make a big telescope.