Faith Talamantez / Daily Nexus

Dick Thucker was horrified when he woke up the day after the presidential election. Rubbing his bleary eyes, he was shocked to see a huge pregnant belly blocking his feet from view instead of his usual morning wood. This was not some regular mpreg bullshit either, Thucker was attacked. 

“These fucking bitches, I swear. We get it! You bleed out your ass and blah blah. I feel horrible, really, I do. I’ve literally bought a girl pads before, so I don’t understand why they did this to me!” cried Thucker, a fourth-year political science major. “My back hurts so fucking bad!” 

Thucker is one of many victims popping up across Isla Vista. Male students have reported falling asleep peacefully to the sound of their roommates having bad sex with their girlfriends, and then waking up with a fake pregnancy belly glued to their stomach. Though there have been attempts at removing the fake stomachs, none have prevailed. So far, attacks have only one thing in common: it’s the men’s fault. 

“What do you mean? I was wearing my fucking pajama pants! I sleep without a shirt on!” second-year biology major Chris Tean said, clearly asking for it. “How am I supposed to fuck now?” 

Despite the outrage at fraternities and the other dirty houses in Isla Vista, the police have not begun searches for any perpetrator. Unfortunately, the police reported having no leads after doing no investigation and claimed that men need to do a better job of fighting back instead of relying on them. Men have taken it upon themselves to fight back, locking their doors and windows at night, and even putting posters of Sabrina Carpenter to make their room less suspicious. 

Community outrage brought attention to this problem only when a pregnancy belly was glued to a 14-year-old boy from Santa Barbara while he visited Isla Vista. Riding around at illegal speeds on his ebike, often screaming “penis,” the boy was well known and beloved by the Isla Vista community. Now that younger people are being affected, police decided to step in. 

“Yeah, we’re really worried about this whole thing. Several of our officers have shown up to work pregnant, and I almost fired them, cause I thought they were chicks!” officer Jimmy Dean Vance explained. “Anyway, all boys should start carrying around pepper spray.” 

Male Gauchos, be sure to keep an eye out for all your past hookups that you didn’t make cum. They might get you next! 

Fart Tent supports booing men, at any given time or place.