Welcome back, Gauchos! As hordes of students return to their beloved party by the sea, Isla Vista is beginning to fill with the familiar ring of people screaming outside at 2 in the morning. Upon returning, you may find yourself shocked by the day-to-day lifestyle of Isla Vista, forgetting that you too were once standing outside smoking a cigarette at 11am in your underwear that one time. If you happen to find your jaw dropped at the gorgeous sunsets and the tiny outfits, look no further than this guide, which will help rekindle what you had going with your beloved college town, or get you started on enjoying what IV has to offer.
1. Jump in the ocean
First things first, you must pay homage to the thing that keeps us all sane, the ocean. If you truly want the right IV experience, I would go early in the morning when all the sharks are particularly hungry for you specifically. It’s cold, refreshing, and has an air of danger to it that will really liven up your spirits. Perfect vibe for getting moved into your new apartment or house!
2. Run down Pardall
There’s nothing quite like running down Pardall, whether it’s for your early morning coffee or grabbing a bite to eat, you never know who you may run into. But, no matter what, you have to run. Really fast, as fast as your body can possibly manage. If you do not go quickly you will be at risk. Hurry. Hurry. Go. Right now. Run.
3. Ok, sure, whatever. Have a drink.
Yeah, yeah, I know this is what you all wanted to hear. A huge part of Isla Vista culture of course is its nightlife, and there is nothing that can kick you back into your IV mindset quite like a Friday night out on DP. So yeah, go ahead, have a drink! Take a seat on the curb if you start to feel too drunk or anything. You can always sober up with a delicious Jesus Burger, right?
4. Kiss a stranger
IV would be nothing without its Love Island-y vibe! If you meet someone new and think they’re hot, ask to kiss!! If they say no, I guarantee there will be another hot person for you to ask within a close radius. And then if you find out that same person also kissed your roommate from last year, your friend from class, and also your ex, don’t stress! That’s just Isla Vista, baby.
5. Embarrass yourself in front of a group of at least 40 people
The best part of Isla Vista that nobody ever really seems to notice is the uneven sidewalks. While you get accustomed to IV and spend some time walking around, DO NOT look where you are walking. Tripping in front of the group of 75 freshmen who are walking to a party they won’t get into is important, and will happen to you more than once. Might as well get it over with right away!
Well, there you have it kids. If you follow these five steps, you will surely feel perfectly happy and comfortable in your awesome college town, Isla Vista.
Fart Tent was here all summer, and has been lost to IV’s power.
