Faith Talamantez / The Daily Nexus

Another great Deltopia weekend has come and gone in the sunny streets of Isla Vista. Students poured out this past weekend for the event, bikini-clad for their treks across Del Playa. As early as 4:20 a.m., students could be heard waking, taking the shot they left on their bedside table the night before.

As the crowds finally began growing on Del Playa Drive, many students noticed a jarring difference between this year’s parties and last year’s. Houses weren’t wrecked, many friend groups were traveling in small numbers and everyone wasn’t wearing a swimsuit from SHEIN. Partygoers were surprised but overjoyed that their functions weren’t flopping in any capacity or causing any drama, really, at all. Nobody was quite sure what caused the major difference, until they finally stopped drinking and started talking. 

“All of a sudden, I realized, everyone at the party was at least a second-year. There were no freshmen out, like at all,” third-year political science major Olde Betch said. “I couldn’t have had a better Deltopia, seriously.” 

For whatever reason, it seems freshmen were wrongly led to believe that Deltopia occurs during the first weekend after spring break, instead of this past weekend. Unfortunately, most freshmen completely missed out on the festivities while getting ready to go out that night. Once first-years finally hit the streets right around 9 p.m., they were left to find hundreds of pairs of cheap sunglasses and empty coke bags on the floor. 

“What the hell! The only reason I chose this school was to get fucked up in broad daylight,” first-year medieval studies major Alec Holic said. “I applied after I saw a video of a bunch of people half-naked riding in a mail truck. I’m tryna do shit like that, but I guess I fucking missed it!”

Deltopia broke several records this year, given the lack of first-years in attendance. Once the festivities came to an end, the UC Santa Barbara Police Department reported that this Deltopia saw the lowest number of drunk scraps, curb sitting and huge friend group break-ups. They have requested that freshmen be barred from entry to Deltopia in the following years. 

Freshmen who are sad to have missed Deltopia shouldn’t worry too much, given there are another three years waiting for them in the future. As long as freshmen learn to be less gullible by their second year, they’ll be sure to enjoy future Deltopias! 

Fart Tent hopes this works.