Nexustentialism

November 5, 2024

Trump vows to bring back Dank Bowls to win I.V. vote

By Lauren Ludwick

In an attempt to sway the majority-Democrat population of Isla Vista and secure more votes in his favor, Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump has promised that if he wins the election, he will bring Dank Bowl Kit...

October 31, 2024

Halloweener: My spooky visitation to the men’s restroom

By Serrano Ham

Upon reflection, I should’ve known — I should’ve known that the flickering lights in the hallway were a bad omen, the sounds of a ping pong game akin to a funeral dirge and the smiles of passersby too sinister. But...

October 31, 2024

Nexustentialism’s 2024 Election Voting Guide

By Joseph R. Biden

Are you an undecided voter who can’t bear to choose between the obviously equally-evil candidates on the ballot? Can you not stand to see your country barrel down the path of far-right, totalitarian fascism or wokeism?...

October 24, 2024

“I’m voting for Harris”-ing my way into some puss

By Joseph R. Biden

As a white man with no morals strong enough to form real political views, I was unsure of who to vote for in the upcoming election. Trump’s attempted overthrow of our country wasn’t quite enough to dissuade me, but a...

October 24, 2024

Campus tours to now include section with dorm bathrooms

By Toby Fowler

In an effort to show prospective students the real and unfiltered experience of a student on UC Santa Barbara’s campus, the Office of Admissions announced today that all upcoming and future tours of the school for stud...

October 18, 2024

The Habit gives you what they make, not what you want

By Heighlieghhgh Ehnnn

Habit Burger & Grill in Isla Vista, California, has taken to fucking up orders. “I ordered a strawberry milkshake,” Heskel Norwood, a UC Santa Barbara student who went to the Habit last Tuesday, said. “They gave m...

October 17, 2024

Cop dresses as curb, lures students to sit on him

By Fart Tent

“Hey! Yeah, you! You look pretty tired, do you maybe want to take a seat?”

October 17, 2024

Communication department to offer new specialization: Professional Bullying

By Binzy Eggbag

UC Santa Barbara has a wide-reaching online presence, able to churn out short “comedic” videos that remind people we have a library. It also reminds the student population that our faculty in charge of those social m...

October 10, 2024

Desperate Republican Party brings out Reagan on Ouija board to ask for money

By Joseph R. Biden

The Republican Party has come under increasing scrutiny for their betrayal of traditional conservative values, and many lifelong Republicans swear to vote blue in November. In response, the Republicans’ latest campaign...

October 10, 2024

UCSB replaces Gaucho with mascot that offends different minority

By Fart Tent

In honor of Hispanic Heritage month, UC Santa Barbara has announced that they will pick a new mascot to replace the Gaucho — one that offends a different minority.

September 15, 2024

Nexustentialism’s guide to reintroducing yourself to Isla Vista

By Fart Tent

Welcome back, Gauchos! As hordes of students return to their beloved party by the sea, Isla Vista is beginning to fill with the familiar ring of people screaming outside at 2 in the morning. Upon returning, you may find ...

August 17, 2024

Music Library closing makes students ask: We had a Music Library?

By Faith Talamantez

The five music students at UC Santa Barbara and a couple other socially anxious students are devastated after the Music Library officially shut their doors this past Friday. However, pretty much every other student on ca...

July 28, 2024

Trump announces departure from supervillainhood after losing arch nemesis

By Fart Tent

“It’s not the same without him,” said Donald “Joker” Trump, following the loss of his rival, Joe Batman. 

July 14, 2024

Help! The girls on the high school tours scare me

By Joseph R. Biden

It was a classic spring quarter Sunday: I woke up in a random bed on ‘66 block with nothing but my socks, a raging migraine, and a “man”. Our collective stench was comprised of Marlboro Reds, B.O., and regret. As I...

May 30, 2024

Best Arbor Characters

By Joseph R. Biden

For any Gaucho, running the gauntlet that is the Arbor walkway is an arduous, unavoidable and annoying-as-fuck task. While every day at the Arbor feels like it offers a new crop of tablers there to make you feel awkward,...

May 30, 2024

Best questions to ask during lecture

By Theresa Harris-Olson Taylor

Don’t be shy! Asking questions is an important part of the academic process — and a great way to assert yourself over your weak-minded peers! However, not all questions are created equal, so here is a comprehensive l...