Faith Talamantez / The Daily Nexus
Hot take: college is like preschool. College students must painfully relearn how to make friends and share their things. And, college students’ immune systems seem to have a major regression, becoming susceptible to every germ lurking in the scary petri dish of college interactions. This phenomenon, dubbed “frat flu” by the college crowd, has been very evident these past few weeks, especially in Campbell Hall, a huge lecture hall at UC Santa Barbara.
Indeed, Campbell Hall has been hit hard with a sickness that has felled huge swathes of the UCSB student population. Students have filed multiple reports to the Department of Health & Safety, citing hacking coughs as being ruinous for their academic performances. Baxter O’Brien, a fifth-year feminist studies major, commented on the situation, “How am I supposed to be paying attention to my professor yapping about feminism from a patriarchal lens if all I can hear is an RSV remix of Seven Nation Army?”
While no masks have been sighted, wet, phlegmy coughs all but drown out professors who are trying to teach. Many have gone on strike, refusing to teach in such horrendous conditions. Yasmin Kirby, an assistant professor in the Department of Theater & Dance, is one such professor on strike.
“I barely make enough to afford the gas I need to get here, and yet I’m expected to expose myself to this pestilence? Yeah, sorry if I can’t be convinced to watch kids spitting up mucus and wiping snot from their noses. I already have a snotty, mucusy baby at home — I don’t need 200 more,” Kirby said.
The endless stream of coughs is creating sonic waves which have actually begun to damage the interior of Campbell Hall. The maintenance staff of the building has reported growing cracks in the ceilings and walls, and students have often been seen leaving lectures with plaster dust in their hair. Rupert Bardeaux, a representative for UCSB, provided Nexustentialism with an official statement, “If this coughing keeps up with this intensity, we’re not sure Campbell Hall will make it through the quarter.”
Epidemiologists, such as Dr. Thibault Hardgrave, have commented on this UCSB sickness. “It’s a modern, revolutionary take on the plague. Instead of rats and fleas transmitting the bubonic plague, it’s red Solo cups and vape pens acting as the vectors of this virus. The resilience of humans these days, however, is the most remarkable aspect of this outbreak. In earlier years, especially the medieval ages, people would just keel over while plowing a field, but these days, despite being ill, kids still brave the cold and head to DP in droves.”
Reports of this plague spreading have continued to flow in, with many of the residence halls being infected as well. Magdalene Berry, a first-year classics major weighed, “I can’t sleep; I can’t study; I can’t do anything. Every five minutes my freaking neighbors have a coughing fit and — TAKE SOME BRONCHITIS MEDICINE, BITCH! Sorry. Hope they heard me through the walls.”
Students have begun to carry bulbs of garlic around, to ward off the illness, which school officials have repeatedly stressed is not an effective solution. Instead, they recommend that you stop, drop and roll. And, if you feel the need to, maybe wash your hands, even though that’s not as preventative. While no end seems in sight, officials remain quietly optimistic that this contagion will suddenly disappear. They say UCSB Student Health will maintain its normal hours, remaining closed over the weekend, and not offering any appointments for anyone, ever. But, as always UCSB, in the face of a plague of great uncertainty, remember one thing: keep calm and party on!
Serrano Ham is in fact scared of her next door neighbor, who shouted abuse at her through the wall while she was deathly ill.
