Faith Talamantez / The Daily Nexus

Not even the ocean can keep you safe from getting slammed with the tire of death, as seen yesterday at Campus Point, when a surfboarder looked up from attempting to ride the tube on 4-foot waves and was promptly wiped out by an unexpected biker-from-above. Luckily, it was around dusk, and a nearby horde of students fighting to get the best sunset photo for YikYak hurried to pull them both out of the water.

“It was crazy sick, man,” said Cody Maverick, second-year chemistry major and bane of his roommates’ existence for bringing a surfboard back to their triple every night. “Like, I’m about to get barreled, I’m tubing, getting pitted. BOOM. I eat rubber. Wash that down with saltwater. Woah. That sounded cold as fuck to you too, right?”

Maverick would insist on not cleaning the visibly bruising tire mark across his face for the rest of the interview, on accounts of it being “tough” and “giving him aura.”

The second party in this incident wasn’t nearly as unbothered. “Who put that cliff there? I thought this was a shortcut to Carrillo,” said Michael Abromowitz, first-year computer science major and cause of at least sixteen (documented) different bike-pedestrian collisions—-, multiple from blazing across walking paths.

Whether his bike was electric or a real, traditional, acceptable mode of transportation does not matter anymore, because it just got eaten by a wave.

“It’s my right to bike anywhere on this campus,” Abromowitz continued. “It’s not my fault I took a road less traveled.”

Before the interview ended, Maverick asked if anyone wanted to see him “roundhouse cutback” the next “mack,” whatever that means. He was sent to UCSB Student Health so we wouldn’t have to look at the tread mark imprinted on his head anymore.

Beast Mode doesn’t know how anyone can surf in this weather.