Nexustentialism

It's satire, stupid.

May 23, 2024

UCSB’s Most Pissable Urinals: A Review

By Pubelius Comestock, Marcus T.C.

Let’s set the scene: the smell of newly illegal substances in the air, a smooth bass groove playing in the background and discussion of women’s liberation abound as men with huge afros and unbuttoned collared shirts ...

May 16, 2024

Sex and the unincorporated community: everyone in Cajé can hear your hookup storytime

By Joseph R. Biden

“AND THEN, HE ASKED, ‘CAN I CUM IN YOU?’” It was the question heard around Cajé on an unsuspecting Sunday afternoon. In an effort to lock in, I had my laptop open only to the New York Times Connections and my...

May 16, 2024

Resourceful Gaucho offering colonoscopies from DP apartment

By Gurbanguly Berdimuhamedow

Move aside, student barbers: Third-year communication major Steve Balboa has taken entrepreneurship to the next level by offering colonoscopies from his oceanside apartment on the 66 Block of Del Playa Drive. Much like h...

May 9, 2024

Mauna Kall to action: Chancellor Yang trapped in telescope

By Fart Tent

The University of California Board of Rejects has long been subject to protests surrounding their project to build a telescope on Mauna Kea, a land that is sacred both culturally and environmentally to Native Hawaiians. ...

May 9, 2024

Sorority travels to Maui mega-resort in honor of AAPI History Month

By Joseph R. Biden

Aloha! Are you tired of all of this noise on campus? Are you bored of hearing about discrimination in your ethnicity requirement? Are you ready for a getaway from all the partying, tanning and being just a girl? Join you...

May 2, 2024

Predictive tabling: dressing to avoid the Arbor tablers

By Binzy Eggbag

Walking through the Arbor is a fate worse than death most days. Those petition-wielding beggars can smell a vulnerable person like a shark smells blood. Tablers will force you into a conversation, even if you had your no...

May 2, 2024

AS Senate Overthrown, Martial Law Declared

By Gurbanguly Berdimuhamedow

The Associated Students Senate elections closed with a bang last Friday, and not in the way you’d expect. A paramilitary group, armed with nunchucks and BuzzBallz, stormed Corwin Pavilion during a meeting of the Senate...

April 25, 2024

Top 5 tips to be the worst roommate

By Binzy Eggbag

So the end of the year is quickly approaching and leases need to be reviewed, but you have one critical problem: you want to live with your bestie instead of your roommate! Unfortunately, your roomie has made no plans to...

April 25, 2024

What the frack? RuPaul only talked about drag

By Fart Tent

This past Thursday, UC Santa Barbara had a very exciting guest speaker, a real gem within the drilling community. After leasing mineral rights to oil companies on his ranch, RuPaul became a notable celebrity figure wit...

April 20, 2024

I’m not high: Chipwrecked

By Mary Jane

To my dearest Gauchos and fans, I broadcast to you live from my couch in Isla Vista. Tonight, we are connected through nature and its wonderful properties. It’s been an interesting day — Isla Vista crowded with the f...

April 18, 2024

Groundbreaking Gauchos: UCSB student becomes first frat guy nationwide to discover clitoris

By Gurbanguly Berdimuhamedow

History was made in Isla Vista last Saturday, when a member of Sigla Tau Delta’s UCSB chapter found the clitoris. Aidan Thibodeau, a second-year economics major from San Diego County, discovered it at Deltopia, during ...

April 18, 2024

Your mustache can’t hide everything

By Joseph R. Biden

Since the turn of the 21st century, angry bitch feminists have been trying to hold men accountable for their crimes. “You’re being misogynistic!” “You’ve never made me finish!” “#MeToo!” Girl, shut up!

April 14, 2024

Targeted? Other people bought the same swimsuit as me

By Fart Tent

Deltopia has come and gone, and now that the hangovers have fully subsided, many Gauchos have found themselves mourning their individuality. Frequent unintentional twinning has taken a toll on students.

April 14, 2024

Study finds that holding handlebars while biking is “gay”

By Joseph R. Biden

Having sex with other men, being on Grindr, wearing sunscreen — we know these are all gay for you, as a man, to be doing. All across the planet, researchers work tirelessly every day to discover what could be considere...