After a long, arduous search for the individual who truly understands UC Santa Barbara and Isla Vista the best, the senate advisory committee announced today that it will appoint Dave Raccoon as UCSB’s new chancellor, in hopes that this appointment will provide UCSB a much-needed change of pace following a tumultuous academic year.

“Me and the boys are all out and about, trying to brainstorm the brightest and best to head our humble party school,” says Jonathan Gutiérrez, an advisory committee member. “We saw Dave and believe that he is the sharpest tool in the shed, and unlike chancellors of the past, this guy knows the location of every garbage bin! Who can say that they’re as committed to UCSB as him?”

Dave Raccoon has signaled major policy proposals to revamp life at UCSB during a press conference, including implementation of an open trash can policy and refitting the Recreation Center to help other raccoons get “buff AF.” Mr. Raccoon has also advocated for the refurbishment of the De La Guerra dining hall to allow serving food directly from the compost bin. It’s a move hailed by environmentalists as a major step in reducing food waste, while critics noted that this policy provides absolutely no change to the quality of the food served at DLG.

“I was ecstatic to hear that DLG is finally getting some much-needed change that helps to save so much food that would otherwise become earthworm fodder!” explained Ann Do, second-year environmental studies major. “But are you telling me that those pizzas will remain harder than a brick?”

After the press conference, Chancellor Raccoon went to Manzanita Village to demand apologies from its residents for decades of making fun of its raccoon population, with threats of making their grades “a garbage fire.”

“HSSSSSHSHSHSHHSSSSHSHSHSHSHSHSHHHSSSSSS,” hissed Chancellor Raccoon. “HSHHHHSHSSSSSHHSSS I’ll untwist your jar of twizzlers and grab every last strand there is!”

Archimedes would like to note that Bubly sparkling water is far worse than regular water, and should Ortega continue to serve those liquid forms of cruel and unusual punishment, it will be considered an act of war.