Nexustentialism

March 7, 2024

Top five women I’d make history with

By Fart Tent

To kick off this March, here’s a list of the top five women that you already know I’d make some good history with. 

March 7, 2024

Top five reasons why I didn’t write top five women I’d make history with

By Wyatt Mann

Women are entirely capable of making history on their own, by themselves or with each other. 

February 29, 2024

Venmore! Black woman makes hundreds off white friends for Black History Month

By Fart Tent

Have you given your Black friends $5 for Black History Month yet? If not, you are FAR behind schedule and third year Morris Martin is not afraid to let it be known. 

February 29, 2024

Birth control vending machine now performing lobotomies

By Joseph R. Biden

As we approach midterms, the upcoming election, and bikini season, your head may be riddled with anxiety, feminism, and other nasty ideas. Check out campus’ newest resource to ease yourself of these worries!

February 22, 2024

Local frat disbanded for hazing after making pledges go to class

By Joseph R. Biden

“The rituals that DAD was making their pledges do were straight up inhumane and physically impossible for many of them.”

February 22, 2024

“No”: Visitors respond to plea to stay off bike paths

By God Phillips

Have you ever even seen a roundabout that was made for walking? That’s because they don’t exist.

February 15, 2024

Idiot stoner packs bong for Super Bowl

By Amanda Lick

Imagine instead of the San Francisco 49ers it was the San Francisco 420ers. That would be crazy.

February 15, 2024

Can We Shut the Fuck Up About Jack Johnson Already?

By Amanda Lick

Did you know that Jack Johnson went to UC Santa Barbara? Yes. Yes I did. So shut the fuck up about it.

February 14, 2024

Impromptu valentine? This gal’s Tinder match is shitting next to her in the gender neutral bathroom

By Theresa Harris-Olson Taylor

As she released her own effortless concerto of garlic parmesan, it undeniably made a sweet, sweet melody with the aggression beside her.

February 14, 2024

Rizz tips?: Guy I asked out on sunset walk pushes me off the sea bluff

By Toe Schmoburg

He kept yelling “WHO ARE YOU” and “WHY ARE YOU FOLLOWING ME” when I knew inside that I was his one true love.

February 8, 2024

Sad! Shit boyfriend only anti-capitalist during Valentine’s Day

By Fart Tent

In a discussion with his girlfriend, Whole shared that he refused to celebrate the holiday in any capacity due to its sickening association with all things capitalist and corporate. 

February 8, 2024

No partner? No problem! Print a plastic peen!

By Binzy Eggbag

All students would be given the opportunity to print two false flesh flutes for the price of one.

February 1, 2024

Liberal? You mean Lib Earl?

By Meel F. Lover

You can always see lib Earl in the same spot on the fourth floor, the personable man that he is, studying away to the both neutral and unassuming beats of Lofi Girl.

February 1, 2024

Help! Your golden retriever boyfriend won’t stop humping my leg

By Fart Tent

“No! Get down! Your goddamn boyfriend won’t stop humping my leg!!!!” 

January 25, 2024

Local woman hyped for Valentine’s Day card haul from dentist, Victoria’s Secret

By Miss Informed

“Contrary to popular belief, I actually receive much correspondence from a variety of suitors,” McKinsey purrs contentedly.

January 25, 2024

Five nights at FT: Avoiding the RA’s when I’m blackout drunk

By Joseph R. Biden

The mere two times a week that I inflict a near-death experience upon myself with Tito’s mixed with stolen DLG cranberry cocktail, how are the RAs suddenly there?