Nexustentialism

It's satire, stupid.

February 1, 2024

Help! Your golden retriever boyfriend won’t stop humping my leg

By Fart Tent

“No! Get down! Your goddamn boyfriend won’t stop humping my leg!!!!”

January 25, 2024

Local woman hyped for Valentine’s Day card haul from dentist, Victoria’s Secret

By Miss Informed

“Contrary to popular belief, I actually receive much correspondence from a variety of suitors,” McKinsey purrs contentedly.

January 25, 2024

Five nights at FT: Avoiding the RA’s when I’m blackout drunk

By Joseph R. Biden

The mere two times a week that I inflict a near-death experience upon myself with Tito’s mixed with stolen DLG cranberry cocktail, how are the RAs suddenly there?

January 19, 2024

LovedIn: how to find romance on networking websites

By Joseph R. Biden

Gauchos, it’s time to get professional. It’s time to connect. It’s time to slide into those LinkedIn DMs.

January 18, 2024

Freshman Stanley Cup filled with milk

By Meel F. Lover

Some say they can still see the outline of the milky edge burned into the floor where the incident occurred...

November 29, 2023

Dad juked in UCen after getting into speedwalker’s way

By Chase N. Status

Visiting father Ken Williams, father of Elise Williams, fell victim to UC Santa Barbara’s epidemic of aggressive speedwalkers during this past Parents & Family Weekend. What was supposed to be a fun weekend with his d...

November 29, 2023

“We have the right of way:” Local bikers continue to cut off ambulances

By Ali Shahid

The Santa Barbara County Emergency Medical Services has recently issued a public service announcement stating that bikers must comply with regulations regarding emergency vehicles.

November 28, 2023

White friend shows up to DP party at 8:30 p.m.

By Jane Error

Your Friday started off mostly normal — just the end of another slow dredge through the week culminating in plans to finally go out with your friend Friday night. But you were confused when he (with the sweet, cherubic...

November 6, 2023

Call to action: We need to keep talking about Barbenheimer

By Joseph R. Biden

As UC Santa Barbara’s class of 2027 sat for their convocation ceremony in Week 0, they were blessed to receive an extremely hilarious speech from Chancellor Henry T. Yang. Amongst his timely references, one stuck out a...

November 6, 2023

My special interest is my encyclopedic knowledge of the Mario Kart soundtracks

By Nate Dolan

The Mario Kart soundtrack was introduced to me at the ripe age of 6 years old. As I raced through tracks like Koopa Cape and Moonview Highway, my focus shifted from playing the game to listening to the auditory masterpie...

November 5, 2023

Storke Tower loses balance, falls over

By Jane Error

With Halloween gloom in the air (or maybe that’s just my seasonal depression beginning again), what better way to fight off the spooky demons like my Week 3 midterm than by dressing up. Storkie, not wanting to be ...

October 31, 2023

Yikes! Roommate’s dumb bitch costume just your clothes

By Fart Tent

Trick or treat! This year’s Halloween costumes have been really unique and well thought out but none quite as much as your roommate, who has been planning for this moment since the moment they met you.

October 29, 2023

‘Gauchos DTF?’ How to solicit sex on the class of ‘27 Snapchat story

By Joseph R. Biden

As UC Santa Barbara’s coolest and sexiest new students adjust to their college lifestyles, the class of 2027 goes to new lengths in order to find sex without having to look each other in the eyes. In reaction to unexpe...

October 29, 2023

Breaking News: Tour de France rerouted to UCSB bike lanes, all students automatically entered

By Binzy Eggbag

Chancellor Henry T. Yang announces the reroute of the Tour de France to the UC Santa Barbara bike lanes and enrolls each student as a racer.

October 13, 2023

Timely! Student only has clock app open during lecture

By Faith Talamantez

“Yeah, I usually just have a clock open during class. I don’t really need to take notes on the lecture or anything, I am studying the time. I’ve got to get out of here actually,” said second-year economics major ...