Nexustentialism

September 9, 2023

Brace for impact! Upperclassmen fortify campus as freshmen arrive

By Faith Talamantez

Freshmeat will be here before you know it, and as the strong, wise, and mature upperclassmen, we must be ready. 

September 8, 2023

First day of school dos and don’ts for freshmen

By Miss Informed

Print this out, laminate it and carry it around at all times for easy perusal.

July 18, 2023

Everyone is in Europe this summer except for you

By Meel F. Lover

The nausea that you get from being on TikTok for 15 hours every day is the nausea you wish was from a 15 hour flight to Spain.

July 4, 2023

Shocking! Depressed stoner guy not ready for a relationship right now

By Some Bitch

Shortly after confessing his deep feelings for Marcy, Deulu decided it was time to end things.

July 4, 2023

Letter to Disney: I want MILF Padmé

By Binzy Eggbag

Honestly, it’s just a really bad financial decision on your part; she would’ve been so popular.

May 29, 2023

This AAPI Month I’m celebrating by asking all my friends to bring me a platter of cut fruit

By Miss Informed

Ahh, the sweet sound of healthy communication.

May 29, 2023

Starbucks Unveils “Butter Chicken Frappuccino” After Success of Chai Tea Latte

By Amanda Lick

“That doesn’t even make sense? Why the fuck do they still call it Chai Tea Latte — chai literally means tea. You idiots are ordering a Tea Tea Latte. Do you realize how stupid that sounds?”

May 24, 2023

Color-blind Canadian confused to see flag everywhere on 4/20

By Binzy Eggbag

“It’s so nice tah see all the Canadian flags aboot tahday, eh?” said Maple Snowbeaver, the Canadian exchange student in question. April 20: Weed Day.

May 20, 2023

Precious Slut Christian rebranding! Now called “Immaculate Virgin”

By Theresa Harris-Olson Taylor

“Precious Slut” will now be called “Immaculate Virgin” in order to better align with newfound Christian beliefs. 

May 20, 2023

I.V. landlord charges extra for mold: claims exotic houseplant

By Antonia Lou

Sicspore claims this fuzzy new companion has certain ‘properties’ that justify the increasing prices.

May 19, 2023

Woman horrified to realize that she must raise children in order to be a MILF

By Zoe Bozman

54% of women cited “being a MILF” as one of the top two reasons they chose to have children, the other being “mommy milkers.”

May 19, 2023

Manzanita Village to vote for village idiot

By Clark Can't

Hear ye, hear ye! Thee smalle village of Manzanita hath indeed declared the need for a village idiot!

May 18, 2023

5 SEXY GAUCHOS WANT TO MEET NEAR YOU

By Fart Tent

Hey gorg us. How would you like to see BIG BOOBS and BIG’s BUTT tonight.

May 4, 2023

Return of the Jedi: I’m high for the 2nd time at Wingstop

By Fart Tent

I have the plant with me now, and using my lightsaber, I’m able to light it and start smoking in the purple glow of my saber. Fuck yes.

May 4, 2023

Need enlightenment these deranged college students do

By Yoda

Such silly students. Surprising that so much time spent in the library, yet lacking in ways of the Force. 

April 27, 2023

Everything I’ve ever wanted to say to stinky little campus tour groups

By Inma Hole

I have had ENOUGH of not being able to suntan at the lagoon without a prepubescent fifth grader staring at my ass.