Nexustentialism

It's satire, stupid.

October 13, 2023

Local senior burned out from iClicker attendance quiz

By Miss Informed

After three long years of slaving away (looking on Quizlet) and breaking our backs (using ChatGPT) for our degrees, I can confidently speak for all seniors when I say: We are tired.

October 12, 2023

Hispanic serving! Student serving cunt everyday of Hispanic Heritage Month

By Faith Talamantez

iOlé, Gauchos! UC Santa Barbara, despite its vaguely racist mascot while being a Hispanic Serving Institution, has long been known for having a large population of Latinx students, making Hispanic Heritage Month an espe...

October 12, 2023

I.V. finally sinks into ocean

By Soggy Freshman

Foreseeable by no one and absolutely unprecedented, Isla Vista residents were stunned on Oct. 6 when the raucous college town suddenly fell into the Pacific Ocean.

September 9, 2023

Brace for impact! Upperclassmen fortify campus as freshmen arrive

By Faith Talamantez

Freshmeat will be here before you know it, and as the strong, wise, and mature upperclassmen, we must be ready.

September 8, 2023

First day of school dos and don’ts for freshmen

By Miss Informed

Print this out, laminate it and carry it around at all times for easy perusal.

July 18, 2023

Everyone is in Europe this summer except for you

By Meel F. Lover

The nausea that you get from being on TikTok for 15 hours every day is the nausea you wish was from a 15 hour flight to Spain.

July 4, 2023

Shocking! Depressed stoner guy not ready for a relationship right now

By Some Bitch

Shortly after confessing his deep feelings for Marcy, Deulu decided it was time to end things.

July 4, 2023

Letter to Disney: I want MILF Padmé

By Binzy Eggbag

Honestly, it’s just a really bad financial decision on your part; she would’ve been so popular.

May 29, 2023

This AAPI Month I’m celebrating by asking all my friends to bring me a platter of cut fruit

By Miss Informed

Ahh, the sweet sound of healthy communication.

May 29, 2023

Starbucks Unveils “Butter Chicken Frappuccino” After Success of Chai Tea Latte

By Amanda Lick

“That doesn’t even make sense? Why the fuck do they still call it Chai Tea Latte — chai literally means tea. You idiots are ordering a Tea Tea Latte. Do you realize how stupid that sounds?”