What a stroke of luck! After spending 21 Valentine’s Days alone, this girl happened to find herself in a gender neutral bathroom with a tinder beau on the 14th of February – call it fate! 

The young broad entered the bathroom ready to defecate and come to terms with a life of quaint solitude, but unbeknownst to her, the man who had recently messaged her “what that pu$$y taste like first thing in the morning” was a mere wall of high-density polyethylene away. As she seated herself on her self-love throne and prepared to fully submit her body to the Wingstop “boneless meal for two” she had obliterated the night before, she heard an equally impressive bowel movement directly next door. As she released her own effortless concerto of garlic parmesan, it undeniably made a sweet, sweet melody with the aggression beside her. Luckily, Stench reporter Harrison Ball happened to be in that very bathroom at the time of the lover’s polyphony, and got an exclusive interview moments later, “It was like our rectums were singing in perfect harmony,” she explained in a cold sweat, “our digestive systems truly undertook symphonic qualities and made a romantic ballad I will hear in all my private moments to come.” A bystander compared the bathroom’s orchestral union to that of Mozart’s “Piano Concerto No. 21”.  

Shortly after exiting their respective chambers, the two locked eyes realizing they were not merely strangers in the night, but rather former keyboard lovers reunited – finally able to appreciate each other’s physical forms and capabilities. As the two held a blissful gaze, the entire bathroom erupted into applause, with the occupants at the urinals offering a standing ovation. Our unnamed lovers rushed into a tender embrace as the applause endured. 

It’s not every Valentine’s Day we get to celebrate an unexpected union of passion and fate, but we are happy to report the couple was spotted at Wingstop later that night mowing down several cajun corns. It’s safe to say I.V.’s newfound favorite darling will likely never be alone again. Monogamy is wonderful!

Theresa Harris-Olson Taylor often questions the institution of marriage.