Precious Slut Christian rebranding! Now called “Immaculate Virgin”
“Precious Slut” will now be called “Immaculate Virgin” in order to better align with newfound Christian beliefs.
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Fuck! I forgot to bring my box of condoms to juggling club
Meeting on Fridays in front of Storke Tower, the group preaches their love of all things juggling and circus arts, but also their love for safe sex.
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Breaking: Hot Ticket UCSB holding group of average white men hostage
“Oh, it was absolutely horrible,” the Goleta Chief of Police Owen K. Bacon said. “From what Detective Rodriguez described, they weren’t even allowed their Sony headphones.”
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God Sends 10 Plagues to Isla Vista After Alleged Cancellation
Esteemed Nexustentialism reporter Roberto Gutierrez discussed this in his article “BREAKING: God Canceled,” but he failed to anticipate the possible ramifications of this cancellation — that bei...
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Thanksgiving!
Labyrinth: Grades Search
Aries
March 21 - April 19
Forgetting to take off the ratty AF1’s at the potluck (most Asian households don’t take kindly to shoes in the house!)
Taurus
April 20 - May 20
Wearing your only red t-shirt to every final (Red is a lucky color in many cultures, especially Chinese cultures)
Gemini
May 21 - June 20
Putting spiders in your friend’s wedding dress for good luck (Has its origins in old english folklore, and represents abundance for the couple)
Cancer
June 21 - July 22
Accidentally summoned a ghost by leaving their chopsticks straight up (A superstition that has Chinese origins because the chopsticks are reminiscent of funeral incense)
Leo
July 23 - August 22
Didn’t like your friends significant other so they gifted them an umbrella (The word for umbrella ‘san’ sounds like the word for divorce in Chinese)
Virgo
August 23 - September 22
Believing in horoscopes (The modern western zodiac actually came from Babylonian astrology)
Libra
September 23 - October 22
Walked backwards in Portugal to live out the Faust fantasy (In Portugal, walking backwards allows the devil to know exactly where you are)
Scorpio
October 23 - November 21
Stole a raven from the tower of london as reparations (According to UK superstition, if there aren’t 6 ravens in the tower, the kingdom will fall)
Sagittarius
November 22 - December 21
Breaks a knuckle knocking on wood for good scores on finals (Knocking on wood may have originated from the Celts and their love for tree spirits)
Capricorn
December 22 - January 19
Drunkenly rearranging their apartment for the feng shui at 3 AM (A Chinese cultural practice that harmonizes a person with the energies of the environment around them)
Aquarius
January 20 - February 18
Left out their middle name on their taxes because the Fae run the IRS (Giving the Fae your full name gives them power over you, and the IRS has too much)
Pisces
February 19 - March 20
Hit by a car but the license plate had an angel number (Beyond just blowing up on TikTok, angel numbers were invented by... Pythagoras)
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