Valerie Fu / Daily Nexus

Long-time small business owner and beloved member of the Isla Vista community Buster Cherry has announced that “after a great deal of soul searching, meditation and bath salts,” he will be rebranding his local tattoo parlor! The back alley joint formerly known as “Precious Slut” will now be called “Immaculate Virgin” in order to better align with his newfound Christian beliefs. 

“I’m so excited to announce that I will be partnering with none other than my main man in the sky,” declared Cherry in a press release statement. He went on to describe how the son of God allegedly came to him “looking beefcake daddy” in the TSA line at Santa Barbara’s municipal airport, but Cherry vehemently refused to elaborate any further on the divine encounter citing John 20:29 as his reasoning. “I’m ashamed that it took seeing the sexiest man on the planet with my own two eyes to believe in a higher power – blessed are those who believe an ass this scrumptious exists without first hand sight,” said Cherry, as he aggressively itched himself. 

When asked what changes would be made to the edgy joint, Cherry essentially described the Vatican: “Yeah I think it would be super cool to get one of those gold ball things with a cross on top and put that on the roof and then I’m probably gonna post an ad on Nextdoor looking for people to paint the ceiling with angels and saints and stuff.” He also went on to explain how he will be offering Holy Communion daily at 3 p.m. and will be offering baptisms on weekends, citing his main goal as eventually offering all seven sacraments: “Yeah in the coming weeks my biggest business competition is probably going to be St. Michaels, so I’m hoping parishioners don’t put any money in their donation basket and instead come to ‘immaculate virgin’ for both a sick tattoo and the Sacrament.” If tattoos aren’t your thing, don’t worry. Cherry emphasized that he will be having a “buy one baptism, get one facial piercing free” sale, claiming his main passion at this point is “saving others and making a quick buck.” 

Theresa Harris-Olson Taylor is an immaculate virgin.