As that time of year rolls around, people all through the nation prepare for a beautiful day of sweet, sweet lovin’. Boyfriends scramble for bouquets, shop windows are decorated with shades of red and pink, and we can’t forget to mention the corporations who cash in on the whole affair. For a select few lucky souls, this holiday is actually not the bane of their existence but rather a “fun” and “happy” time of the year. Those people are dick-riding fucks. 

Speaking of which, MacKenzie McKinsey, local soon-to-be cat woman and knitter of small hats, is looking forward to the 14th of February with bated breath. Despite not being able to file her taxes jointly, she staves off loneliness through her sheer strength of spirit and fortitude of mind. She may not know the touch of another (unless you count intense eye contact with Lenny the cashier at Trader Joe’s) but she is jovial, nonetheless. 

“Contrary to popular belief, I actually receive much correspondence from a variety of suitors,” McKinsey purrs contentedly. “Every year, I receive a beautiful handwritten letter from Dr. Davies complimenting my pearly whites. He always asks to see me for an ‘appointment’ every 3 to 6 months. I get a brazilian wax the night before, just in case.”

“She’s always bragging about receiving romantic letters from a ‘doctor,’ but he’s actually a dentist,” says Tolula Merkle, local hater. “I mean, nothing wrong with that, but proper terminology is very important. Not to mention, they only do oral.” 

When asked to discuss her other suitors, McKinsey balked. “A woman needs her privacy, you know. But between you and me, I also get this fancy annual card from someone advertising their panties. I mean, so dirty, right?” She blushes. “They’re always telling me about their ‘two for one’ deal, but I don’t do threesomes. Too many moving parts, you know?” 

Ever since she began receiving these cards, McKinsey’s confidence has skyrocketed. She now struts through Trader Joe’s with a chip on her shoulder and a pep in her step. She scoffs, “Some may call me a tease, but I simply can’t be bothered! When you’re as popular as I am, it gets sooo tiring. I guess you wouldn’t understand.”

Miss Informed actually gets cards from her cat’s veterinarian too, thank you very much.