Local woman hyped for Valentine’s Day card haul from dentist, Victoria’s Secret

“Contrary to popular belief, I actually receive much correspondence from a variety of suitors,” McKinsey purrs contentedly.
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Local senior burned out from iClicker attendance quiz

After three long years of slaving away (looking on Quizlet) and breaking our backs (using ChatGPT) for our degrees, I can confidently speak for all seniors when I say: We are tired.
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First day of school dos and don’ts for freshmen

Print this out, laminate it and carry it around at all times for easy perusal.
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This AAPI Month I’m celebrating by asking all my friends to bring me a platter of cut fruit

Ahh, the sweet sound of healthy communication.
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So, President’s Day had to be during Black History Month Huh?

What’s the point of President’s Day anyway? To get a couple more hours of shut-eye on our brand new Sleep Number smart mattress?
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Eulogy for Pizza My Heart

Where else can you consume 40 whole cloves of garlic on a pizza in front of your unsuspecting Bumble date? Fuck you! Who do you think you are?
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Comedian! Local Man Adds -Ussy to the End of Each Word

“Heart? Stolen. Panties? Soaked. Hotel? Trivago.”
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UCSB Ranked No. 5 Nationwide Due to Vibes, Sex Appeal

While it may forever be a mystery as to why our institution by the sea is such a strong attracting force for students across the country, we can sleep soundly with the knowledge that we are in the com...
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Frats Offer Limited Valentine’s Day Deal: BOGO Herpes, Heartbreak

There’s a whiff of something new in the moist breeze of Isla Vista — that’s right, it’s the season of luuurve here in our very own crack den of a college town! One deep breath in through the n...
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Chancellor Yang’s Flop Era Lowkey Serving? The Student Body Weighs In

As tensions surrounding the return to online classes reach a breaking point, our favorite fancy chancy, Daddy Yang himself, is losing popularity faster than you can say “flop era.” Although the fo...
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Did Quarantine Ruin Your Social Skills Or Are You Just Less Pleasant Now?: A Brief Guide

Hopefully this guide has illustrated the slight, but crucial differences between a post-quarantine slip-up and being an inherent fuck-up! Now go out there, have fun, and be safe! Or don’t, because y...
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UCSB “Classroom Building” To Be Unveiled Along With “Sitting Chairs” and “Talking Podiums”

Do you often find yourself utterly bewildered as to the function of everyday objects? Are you also disillusioned with the barren landscape of our fine institution? Well, you’re in luck, because for ...
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Instagram Infographics Saturate the Market, Demand Plummets

This new surge in popularity of activism-adjacent paraphernalia has led to the overproduction of Instagram infographics to the point of market saturation
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