Natalie Kothergirls / Daily Nexus

There’s a whiff of something new in the moist breeze of Isla Vista — that’s right, it’s the season of luuurve here in our very own crack den of a college town! One deep breath in through the nose and you’ll for sure smell the love, and dare we say, lust, billowing out of the windows of Tigma Sigma Figma down the street. 

If you thought the lovely Greek institutions of UC Santa Barbara neglected to prepare for the horniest holiday of the year, you are painfully wrong. But not nearly as painful as it is to miss out on the biggest blowout sale of the season! 

Tigma Sigma Figma’s fine, distinguished brothers have prepared, for a limited time, a BOGO deal that is sure to delight the senses and stimulate our collective G-spots! Just kidding, that doesn’t exist. Get it while it lasts! Extra, extra, read all about it! Bring a friend! Tell your mom! Drumroll please … 

At every drunken soiree with an active (not a pledge though, ‘cus that’s fucking nasty), the lucky lady, lad or non-binary pal will receive a free selection from one of three choices: 

  1. An annoying but treatable mystery STI! 
  2. A bit of crabs (you can’t take them all, you greedy whore!).
  3. Four months of a torturous will-we-won’t-we fling with the chapter’s resident fuckboy!

Terms and conditions apply. One-time use only. Expires 2/15/22.

Missing the familiar post-piss burn of a swingin’ Saturday with Sebastian the Social Chair? Craving the feeling of being left on read for hours, then receiving a dick pic past midnight and a “you up?” text by Parker the President? Fret no longer, for the Interfraternity Council has got your pretty, little back. 

Gone are the days where you would dayge the day away with Aaron the Alumni Relations Chair and not get, at the very least, a tiny lip sore. Now, you can look forward to a date party with Timmy the Treasurer with the iron-clad guarantee of either herpes or heartbreak! Or both, you lucky bitch!

Miss Informed is just salty that she didn’t get a bid from TSF. :(