As all you proud Gauchos (and all your silly little friends that you brag to) may know, UCSB has been ranked among the top five public universities nationwide for 2021, and has held ranks in the top 10 for the past five years according to U.S. News & World Report! These rankings have shocked and angered haters of our brilliant institution, mainly those who go to Berkeley or UCLA. “Why are we mentioned in the same breath as them?” They may secretly fume. “They’re not the ones that have nine libraries or an acceptance rate under 15%!”
We at Nexustentialism pondered the intricacies of our university that rocketed our rankings since 2016. Could it be our extremely selective graduate-school prep college, the College of Creative Studies? Could it be our nationally renowned graduate physics program that is in the same league as Columbia and UChicago? Could it be our heavy involvement in environmentalism and sustainability through the Bren School of Environmental Science and Management? Nah, fuck that.
You may be thinking, “Wow! I didn’t realize that U.S. News took our combined dye record and percentage of Certified Hotties into consideration!” Your surprise is understandable, but unwarranted. We may be national leaders in scientific research and a part of the prestigious University of California system, but we are ranked by one thing, and one thing only: our pure animal magnetism.
According to college rankings across the nation, we at UCSB are blessed with the unique ability to break necks and serve face. And that’s not even considering our inordinately large population of professional keggers and fuckin’ ballers.
We interviewed Anna McLovin, a seasoned U.S. News analyst, about her perspective regarding our school’s prestige. “Yeah, we actually use a very private and rigorous system to evaluate the rankings of each university when publishing our yearly rankings, so forgive me for being conservative with the information I divulge,” McLovin sighed loudly while admiring her nails.
“But I will say that you guys definitely have, like, that specific vibe that we’re looking for.” When pressed about what “vibe” she is referring to, McLovin scoffed, “I can’t describe the vibe. Like, if you know, you know.”
If there’s anything we Gauchos know, it’s that we know that we know. You know?
Third year Kris Ehvans echoed McLovin’s sentiment when asked about UCSB’s rising rank. “It’s kinda like when I’m tossing with my brothers at chap. Like, we’ll just be having a good time, shooting the shit, just like, enjoying the fresh ocean air while we stumble over empty whip-its canisters. That’s the fucking vibe.” We enthusiastically agreed with Ehvans’ statement and got wristbands for their quarterly next weekend.
While it may forever be a mystery as to why our institution by the sea is such a strong attracting force for students across the country, we can sleep soundly with the knowledge that we are in the company of the hottest, smartest, coolest people ever.
Miss Informed is soooooooo bad at dye~ like so bad. Can you teach her? Hehe <3