Emma Demorest / Daily Nexus


As the most oppressive holiday of the year looms large on all of our collective calendars, we find ourselves asking the same age-old questions: Am I a fucking loser? Why does the void inside me seem so impossible to fill? That’s right, Valentine’s Day is coming up hot and fast, just like old clam chowder after a long afternoon of day-drinking!

However, no matter how deep and dark the hole inside your heart is, respite from the perpetual pain can almost always be found in the reliable, dusty arms of your professor. There’s just something about them — whether it’s their kind eyes or the fact that they could ruin your post-graduate life with a single keystroke, their appeal is simply undeniable. Since accessibility is key to a successful quarter, many professors have widened their office hours to encompass “unconventional times” such as late at night or on the weekends; both of which are times that students — especially during the isolation of quarantine — tend to be the most productive. And horny.

This February, ambitious third-year history major Anita Biggcok is taking advantage of this great educational opportunity. Just as clear communication and a voracious appetite for learning is integral to one’s success in a course, Biggcok is well aware that the same methods apply to getting viciously railed. Taking initiative as a typical honors student, Biggcok has emailed some of her young-ish eligible professors for “assistance with the material.” When asked by Nexustentialism to specify what type of assistance and with what material, Biggcok failed to produce a verbal answer, instead opting to lick her lips sensually. 

While only one of her professors have replied thus far, and with a distant sort of diction reserved only for students who rarely grace the class with their presence, Biggcok seems invigorated by this apparent progress. “Professor Dixon Kuntz is my favorite professor. He’s always so comprehensive with the body of work,” she purred with half-lidded eyes. 

After getting a hold of the famed Professor Kuntz, we were able to milk him for details. “Valentine’s Day is typically reserved for my wife and I, but I agreed to meet virtually with Anita this Sunday because she was basically foaming at the mouth,” an anxious Professor Kuntz shifted awkwardly in his chair. “I’m only throwing her this bone because she didn’t finish her recent oral exam and I care deeply about my students’ success in my course.”

When told of Professor Kuntz’s remarks, Biggcok moaned with delight, “I knew it, he wants to throw me his bone!” She bit her bottom lip and smiled, “He shouldn’t worry so much about my oral exam. I know he’ll be able to help me finish.”


Valerie Fu definitely has Valentine’s Day plans, so can everyone stop asking already?