Do you often find yourself utterly bewildered as to the function of everyday objects? Are you also disillusioned with the barren landscape of our fine institution? Well, you’re in luck, because for the first time in over 50 years, we have a brand spanking new “Classroom Building” set to be unveiled in spring 2023!
You may be thinking, “It’s literally named ‘Classroom Building’? What an ingenious name. I never could have ascertained the function of this building on my own!” And you’re not the only student who feels this way. According to Chancellor Henry T. Yang, most UCSB students can’t figure out why things exist and what they do. That is why this new building will not only increase our overall classroom capacity by over 35%, but it will also include practical accommodations such as “sitting chairs” and “talking podiums” in each beautiful new room. Gone are the days when you’d have to sneakily ask your seat partner what the function of the strange bright things in the ceiling are for, because this new building will include “illuminating lights” that will ease your mind once and for all!
Sophomore Carly Stevens sees this as a great opportunity to familiarize herself with what things do. “I’ve never critically thought about what types of buildings are even on the campus of a university; it’s just not something someone would consider, you know? Thank god they’re gonna put “Classroom Building” in big shiny letters on the front because otherwise, I’d forget why I was entering it by the time I’m halfway across the main hall.” She sighs happily, “I’ll finally be able to stop muttering, ‘I’m going to class, I’m going to class, I’m going to class,’ as a personal reminder over and over again under my breath while I walk to Introduction to Biology!”
With the construction of this new building, we are reminded that while the UCSB community may be gifted in shotgunning Four Lokos on a Tuesday afternoon, where we truly shine is with providing our students with basic learning accommodations probably about 10 years too late, while also calling each and every one of them a fucking moron.
Miss Informed has never physically taken a class at UCSB before, so she is relieved for the clarification.