As the end of summer rapidly approaches and the threat of being ostracized by your newfound peers looms ahead, it becomes increasingly important to craft your new College Persona. Will you be spending your Thursdays, Fridays, Saturdays and maybe even Sundays macking on tens on the beach? Or will you spend most of your time hiding out on the eighth floor of the library, hoping that people can’t hear you listening to Ed Sheeran blasting through your Airpods?
Whoever you choose to be, it’s imperative that you don’t make certain unforgivable mistakes on your first day of college. You may be thinking, “I’m spending like four years here, how can a silly mistake on one day dictate who I am for the rest of my time at UC Santa Barbara?” You are stupid for thinking that. Stop being so naive. To help you, we at Stench have carefully curated a divine list of Dos and Don’ts for you to worship as a neoreligion. Print this out, laminate it and carry it around at all times for easy perusal.
DO bring your social security card. (YOU WILL NEED THIS!!!)
These days, many forsake bringing around their good ol’ SSC for “safety reasons.” UGH! What are you, a pussy? People love it when you whip out your social security card in the middle of a conversation and show it to them while boasting, “I remembered all the numbers and I can prove it. Test me.” Then, you dramatically cover your eyes with your hand and start reciting it aloud. They’ll be obsessed with you!
DON’T wear a cuter outfit than mine.
You ever heard of Hot Ticket? I have them wrapped around my pinky fucking finger, bitch. If you even THINK about wearing a maxi skirt, some arm warmers or some cool ass tiny lil’ headphones, I will personally make sure you never get featured on their page. You better show up in a polo shirt and some khakis or else. I am not above violence.
DO roll a large metal water bottle down the steps of your lecture hall.
Students and professors alike LOVE bowling. When they see you get into a pro-bowler’s stance and launch your water bottle down the linoleum steps of the lecture hall, they cannot help but cheer raucously. Your professor may even give you extra credit if you knock over the TA! STRIIIIKE!
DON’T pee your pants.
It’s widely frowned upon to pee directly in your pants in public. It’s pretty difficult to make friends when just moments ago, they witnessed your golden shower killing some innocent hydrangeas on the campus green. You may not be able to leave campus and change your clothes, which may result in you walking around like a soggy yellow sponge all day. And not in the cute way.
DO punch the biggest guy you see.
College is like a prison. Therefore, prison rules hold. To establish dominance over your peers, clock the largest, burliest guy you see and sock him right in the kisser. Do this in the Arbor, preferably during peak time; people will be falling over themselves to serve you as their new leader. You’ll be top dog in no time!
DON’T use chat GPT for sex tips.
This is something I, personally, have definitely never tried. Not even once, I swear. Whatever you do, don’t turn to a still-learning AI that has never felt the sweet touch of a woman for sex advice. The positions you will be told to contort into will exceed human imagination and physical capability. It will mistake pain for intimacy; mechanical stimulation for pleasure. It laughs in the face of God. I’m speaking hypothetically of course.
We hope this list has been as informative as your pants are wet. If you disobey this list, we will know, and we will find you. And when we find you, you don’t want to know what happens. Good luck, my dear freshmen, and may the next four years reward you with trauma to last a lifetime.
Miss Informed has never asked an AI language model for advice in the bedroom, ever.