In November 2023, UCSB announced that instead of elevators that don’t feel like a trap from “Final Destination,” their latest project to use student tuition on would be the Makerspace, a creative lounge in the library with new, high-quality equipment including laser and vinyl cutters. One piece of machinery seems to have caught everyone’s attention  —  a 3D printer. The first days of printing went as expected, excited comp-sci majors forming a line that snaked down the stairs with flash drives filled with intricate models of their favorite anime girls. Thankfully for the sake of the employees, many of the early prints fizzled out into plastic spaghetti. 

According to one of these horrifically underpaid student workers, who has requested to remain anonymous, “I don’t think I’ve ever seen boobs affected by such little gravity.”

Two weeks after opening, the smell finally began to dissipate, and the art students with technical knowledge began coming to the lounge.

Many of the prints created by people who had felt the touch of a woman before seemed to be works of art from one of the spatial art classes. Hand-sized statues were made that could rival ancient Greek sculptures, small flat discs that manipulate light to show off a masterpiece, a paperweight that looks completely different depending on the angle you look at it from. Then the less artistically inclined students began making their prints. Illegally downloaded, low resolution models of beloved and beloathed characters alike. Increasingly unhinged sculpts began leaving the Makerspace until one creative student brought in a file of their own — a 1:1 replica of a mysterious donor’s phallus, veins and all. Those in the lounge gathered and gawked as it printed. “It has a functional foreskin!” one onlooker exclaimed. “They let us fuss around with it when it finished. It was a bit wet and warm when I got it, but that’s not something I want to understand.”

As the remarkably realistic dildo was passed from student to student, employees caught wind of it. The owner of the sham schlong informed them that it came originally from a scan of a long-distance partner’s pocket rocket that they exported to a 3D modeling program to refine the details. It was then that a nosy supervisor got an incredible idea for the upcoming holidays: a two for one special on counterfeit cocks. All students would be given the opportunity to print two false flesh flutes for the price of one. Whether it be a complete replica of a pre-existing pecker or a creative attempt at simulating an alien’s anaconda, if it has a stand, you can use it instead of your hand. 

The deal seems to already be incredibly popular, and the nap pods on the first floor have been temporarily closed. Students exiting the lounge have been showing off their multi-colored magic wands to the lines that trail down and out of the building. To further capitalize off this discount, some talented modelers have offered to create intricate models either based completely on a partner’s pork sword or a wildly creative and frankly inhuman custard launcher, many making several hundred in commissions from the sexually-depraved crowd. If you happen to have time in between classes and no lover for this Valentine’s Day, or even a partner begging to be pegged, stop by the Makerspace and print yourself a weapon of ass destruction before the deal ends.

Binzy Eggbag knows a man-made meat missile is still better than a man.