It’s cuffing season! It seems like every girl nowadays has finally tamed a similar type of guy. He’s blonde, super energetic and playful, and sometimes tan. He’s always lightening the mood and making you laugh but, also, is loyal and protective — the “golden retriever” boyfriend.

“No!” third-year student Anika Purdy said, pushing a golden retriever boyfriend down off her leg. “No! Get down! Your goddamn boyfriend won’t stop humping my leg!!!!” 

Purdy has been struggling with golden retriever boyfriend Jake, as he has refused to leave her alone, despite her not claiming him. Though Purdy shared that she doesn’t wear any kind of scented shampoo, conditioner, soap or perfume, it seems as though Jake just couldn’t resist her.

“You need to be more firm with him. Jake, STOP!” Jennifer Welter, Jake’s self-proclaimed owner, shouted. “He just needs to listen to me. Jake — ”

Even when offered alternatives, like listening to Baby Keem and Kendrick Lamar’s “family ties” or playing Spikeball, he refused to leave Purdy’s side, constantly climbing up her leg. This is a singular instance of the problem that Isla Vista is facing, but it is more widespread than you are led to believe. Golden retriever boyfriends are running amuck, refusing to listen to their owners, and bothering anyone who will give them the chance. 

Gauchos, if you spot a golden retriever boyfriend with the zoomies, be sure to stop him, build trust and then assert dominance. Oftentimes, giving them a little spritz from a spray bottle with water will teach them their lesson; it’s time to start teaching them right from wrong. Though it is a frustrating battle, those free from the clutches of their “cuteness” can step in to help with training, ultimately helping all of Isla Vista. 

Fart Tent does not fuck with men.