Dear inhabitants of Isla Vista, 

I’m calling out for help from anyone who has advice to stop this misfortune from falling upon me. Love is constantly slipping through my fingers. It is the time of year, the time of year where love is supposed to be in the air but every time I seek out love, I end up falling through the air. 

It all started two years ago when I met with the love of my life, Joe King. He was brave enough to rizz me in the wild (the Buchanan coffee cart, he asked me for my order). I felt particularly touched by this because kids these days always link up on those apps — Twinge, Winder, Crumble or whatever they’re called. 

I stood with my mouth agape in awe of his beauty (he had a sparse pedo-stash) and immediately confessed my love for him (I ordered a latte with oat milk). It was love at first sight (I didn’t make eye contact). 

In preparation for our date I conveniently came across his address, class schedule, his parent’s house Zestimate, his high school ex-girlfriend’s middle school Tumblr, IP address and social security number. I knew that every Friday at sunset he’d be walking along the sea bluff talking on the phone with someone he refers to as “babe” — this was a perfect time for our date. I sent him a subliminal message updating him about the status of our date and he responded instantaneously with a resounding “yes!”. 

So on Friday at sunset we were walking hand in hand along the bluff (I was trailing 7.5 feet behind him) when I felt like it was the perfect time to declare my love for him. I stopped him (went up to him and grabbed him), lovingly (violently) put both of my hands on his shoulders and I confessed my love for him. 

Here, I ask for your help dear reader, because this man has sent me so many mixed signals. He kept yelling “WHO ARE YOU” and “WHY ARE YOU FOLLOWING ME” when I knew inside that I was his one true love and by the end of our date, I had fallen head over heels (he pushed me off the sea bluff yelling “HELP”). 

After hearing my story, dear citizen, I hope you can procure some advice for me to help parch my barren love life. 


A confused citizen 


Toe Schmoburg has a thing against Love