Do you ever feel sick and tired of hearing about those goddamn liberals all the time? Well, you shouldn’t. I only know one lib Earl and he is a very nice man. 

I met lib Earl for the first time as I was walking into the ladies’ room one late night on the fourth floor. Instead of immediately diverting my gaze as I glanced at him, he smiled at me kindly, as if I had just lit up his day, in a completely non-creepy and totally appreciative way. It takes a special kind of guy to achieve something like that. Even when I was done doing my business, having tooted my own metaphorical horn that was in my butt after a particularly unfortunate run-in with Hana Kitchen, lib Earl was courteous enough to glance up nonchalantly and smile again before getting back to his work, as if he had heard none of the events that had transpired five feet away from his sacred study space. His lib Earl mannerisms, or lib Earl-isms, are so admirable. What a gentleman!

Poor lib Earl does not deserve all of the slander he gets. All he wants to do is go to the library every day, at all hours of the day and be the humbly unemployed, dedicated college student that he is as his back bends in a perfect U-arch over his biology homework. Go lib Earl! Yet, day after day, he is forced to endure the slander that people say in passing about other lib Earls and “how they refuse to make any progressive change in this country because they’re just fine with the status quo!” Lib Earl is not fine with the status quo! Lib Earl, too, wants to uproot our oppressive systems! Yet, no one ever gives him a chance to defend himself. Once when he tried to argue that he did not just want handouts in order to get ahead of a group of offensively straight white men, they yelled “Let’s go, Brandon,” at him, to which his response was to gently remind them that his name was Earl. Lib Earl is trying his best. 

You can always see lib Earl in the same spot on the fourth floor, the personable man that he is, studying away to the both neutral and unassuming beats of Lofi Girl. Campus Democrats could have told you that, though, as one of their representatives can always be seen within a few yards of lib Earl. It’s unclear whether they operate as protection services for their self-proclaimed mascot, or solely to snap sneaky photos of him for undetermined uses. If I were lib Earl, I would appreciate some free advertising on behalf of Camp Dems. Getting to know some lib Earl better is beyond overdue — the people want what they want! 

Meel F. Lover longs for the day she can finally meet the other lib Earls everyone is always talking about.