Did you know that Jack Johnson went to UC Santa Barbara? Yes. Yes I did. So shut the fuck up about it. Call me bitter. Call me what you please. Call me by your name. Whatever! I don’t care. I might be the biggest hater on the block but I think it’s time to put a stop to the conversation. 

Some will remark that they completely understand why Jack Johnson went to UCSB. “The vibes are just like…so him,” I could imagine someone saying. Or, “His music is so chill and I am so obsessed with his aura,” I could also imagine someone probably saying. But in reality, the only thing that is turning “Upside Down” is my stomach. And it’s not from the stench of the lagoon. Other schools have famous graduates like Obama and Emma Watson, and who do we have? The man who produced the soundtrack for “Curious George”. And also Gwyneth Paltrow. 

I also found out that he was in an Isla Vista band called “Soil” while he spent his time here. You’re telling me you joined a band that was named after poop? You’re actually disgusting. I’m sure he’s a really nice guy but he gives me the vibe of those guys who claim “I didn’t need to shower today because I didn’t really sweat or do anything.”

I heard that there is a rumor his son goes to this school and I just want to say if you are reading this I love and support you. I am sorry that girls are using your father’s music to showcase their aesthetic Del Playa homes on TikTok and that I am complaining about it. But WE GET IT. He went to school here. Stop attributing your personality to people who have no idea who you are but went to the same school as you. 

Jerry Trainor went here though and he seems pretty cool.

Amanda Lick is a huge fan of iCarly.