First-year undergraduate students were listening to a detailed depiction of incest in Greek Mythology on Wednesday in Buchanan Hall when, all of a sudden, a loud clang echoed through the room, followed by a lone Stanley cup beginning its long, rolling descent down the aisle. The entire lecture hall looked on in complete boredom and slight irritation while the tin mega-mug started gaining speed, crashing into the wall and spilling its contents: ultra-pasteurized, regular and completely normal, 2% milk.
Gasps echoed through the hall while white liquid pooled around the fallen flask. Two students screamed as others tore across desk chairs, knocking over laptops to hurdle themselves to the doors and away from the foul stench of cow boobies. Many students remained glued to their chairs in horror as braver ones joined their appalled professor standing above the widening puddle of milk, wearing bewildered expressions as their brows furrowed with a lack of understanding.
Professor Gods squatted down, quietly contemplating the cup. He stood and assessed the room before saying wearily, “Does any person feel a particular claim to this thermos?” The room was dreadfully silent, aside from the stifled cries of those students particularly lactose intolerant. When no one answered after one painfully long minute, Gods said, “Right, we’re done for the day. Refer to my syllabus for information on C.A.P.S. and other mental health services. Please don’t reach out to me.” The Stanley cup and milk were left to the unlucky janitor assigned to Buchanan Hall, who turned in her resignation shortly after. Some say they can still see the outline of the milky edge burned into the floor where the incident occurred and others avoid entering the lecture hall on the side of the aisle where the cup rolled down completely, saying they leave afterward with unexplained stomach cramps and gas.
“What could possess someone to do this? Do they truly feel uncontent with the strength of their bones at this age?” Owena Dryers reported back to the Daily Stench, having made the mistake of attending Greek Myth that day. “Is it just desperation to feel the nostalgia of childhood by gulping down a tall glass of milk after finishing your vegetables? Is it for the additional protein or the thrill of sheer madness?” Dryers let loose a long sigh and walked away, too distraught to continue the interview.
The Daily Stench has also received reports that Gods was recently approved for a “much-needed sabbatical” following the incident. He shared that he hopes to visit Paris and experience melancholy.
Meel F. Lover would never drink milk from a cow, oat, almond or soybean, but is willing to explore remaining options.