Nexustentialism

It's satire, stupid.

May 4, 2023

Return of the Jedi: I’m high for the 2nd time at Wingstop

By Fart Tent

I have the plant with me now, and using my lightsaber, I’m able to light it and start smoking in the purple glow of my saber. Fuck yes.

May 4, 2023

Need enlightenment these deranged college students do

By Yoda

Such silly students. Surprising that so much time spent in the library, yet lacking in ways of the Force.

April 27, 2023

Everything I’ve ever wanted to say to stinky little campus tour groups

By Inma Hole

I have had ENOUGH of not being able to suntan at the lagoon without a prepubescent fifth grader staring at my ass.

April 27, 2023

Does ChatGPT recite evil spells at anyone else?

By David Litman

Then I stared blankly at the screen as it recited my full legal name, address and social security number.

April 20, 2023

I’m not high: the squeakquel

By Mary Jane

Love you guys — all you guys reading this are probably my friend in some way or another. Big kiss to you all! Big kiss!

April 20, 2023

Hoodwinked! Hoping to work with joints, confused stoner majors in rheumatology

By Osbert Squelch

“I’m somewhat of a joint specialist myself,.” second-year Lena Erm said.

April 14, 2023

Style spotlight! Man wears button down t-shirt with swim shorts to Deltopia

By Marcus T.C.

“Like 20 minutes after I got there, everyone was wearing it. Like, bro, they were totally biting my shit. But it's ok,” he explained.

April 14, 2023

Deltopia in review: Local girl with severe peanut allergy stores EpiPen in pussy

By Fart Tent

When asked if she was carrying a purse throughout the day, Chu smirked and claimed to not be “one of those weak bitches.”

March 27, 2023

So, President’s Day had to be during Black History Month Huh?

By Miss Informed

What’s the point of President’s Day anyway? To get a couple more hours of shut-eye on our brand new Sleep Number smart mattress?

March 12, 2023

“Finally some representation!” cries white man after watching Harry Styles grammy speech

By Pimple Popper

Kevin dropped the communal-apartment-carton of milk that he was drinking from. He was astounded. He burst into tears — finally feeling relief in his life.

March 12, 2023

Nation’s racist uncles shocked to find out ‘All Lives Matter’ includes minorities

By Marcus T.C.

As the conversation turned toward politics due to Black History Month, she said unto her uncle, “Hey Leonard, if all lives matter, that means Black lives matter too, doesn’t it?”

March 11, 2023

UCSB: Campus under the sea

By Devin Hernandez

Where else can you study the horrors of the Anthropocene in person? UCSB will continue to reign — now as the Atlantis of the Santa Barbara Channel!

March 11, 2023

Prince Harry donates to UCSB, but mandates students wear ginger wigs in return

By Migraine Mommy

Harry was revealed to have donated $690,000 to UCSB because he has “a lot of money from colonialism” and “doesn’t know what to do with it.”

February 13, 2023

Interview with a lagoon crab

By Clark Can't

We here at the Daily Nexus were honored when Collingsworth agreed to a rare interview. This reporter was lucky enough to sit down with him, and the transcript is provided below.