Faith Talamantez / The Daily Stench

We get it, Thanksgiving is a hard time for everyone. You have to go home, eat an overhyped yet terrible-tasting bird and, if that wasn’t enough, your slightly problematic relatives are there to celebrate with you. We know you need nothing more than an arsenal of pre-approved, tried and tested lines to change the conversations from horrible to bearable, and that’s exactly what we have! When Uncle Jack brings up the Israel-Palestine conflict or critical race theory, here are 10 quick tips to turn the tide from that conversation to a completely different one, or stop it altogether.

  1. “I’m gay.”

There’s simply no better place to come out than at a Thanksgiving meal with your whole extended family there. Not only will everyone be supportive, but they’ll immediately stop fighting and focus on you.

  1. “This celebration is just a construction by white colonialism to suppress the stories of the Native Americans who we slaughtered while building this nation on the backs of slaves”

Generally appropriate to say in any situation, and everyone will be too uncomfortable to respond.

  1. “So, Aunt Myrtle, how’s the divorce going?”

It’s hard to debate politics through the loud sobs that follow this question.

  1. “Anyone for cornhole later?”

Your family will be too excited by that proposition to remember what they were talking about.

  1. “Beanie Feldstein was not the right choice in the revival of Funny Girl!! She absolutely deserved a star vehicle, but that was the wrong one, and the reviews she got will be a major setback in her career. The show had to replace her with Lea Michele just to stay open which was awful because Fanny Brice as a model ruined it!”

You’re absolutely right and everyone is too scared to admit it out loud. This is sure to spark some new conversation.

  1. “It was I who murdered Emilie! I never wanted to harm anyone, but that foolish maid saw me stealing my brother’s inheritance and would have blabbed to the police, so she had to be disposed of.”

Not only will it stop the conversation in its tracks, but it’s also a true test of family loyalty. If they rat you out, they were never your true family.

  1. Straight up screaming.

What, you need more than that?

  1. “I challenge you to single combat.”

Careful with this one. It’ll change the subject, but Uncle Marvin has a wicked left hook.

  1. “Call me Ishmael. Some years ago — never mind how long precisely — having little or no money in my purse and nothing particular to interest me on shore, I thought I would sail about a little and see the watery part of the world. It is a way I have of driving off the spleen and …”

Everyone will forget their strife with a good and hearty retelling of Moby-Dick!

  1. “Wait, which one of us is adopted again?

All previous conversation will be forgotten when you turn a simple family gathering into a lively guessing game!

Happy feasting!


Clark Can’t would like to go home a few days before Thanksgiving, if that’s okay with you.