Fart Tent / Daily Nexus

Hello???? Hello!?!?! If you are getting this signal, that means you are safe … for now. There is a safe haven around Storke Tower that you need to get to, preferably before we’ve finished building the parapets. Freshmeat will be here before you know it, and as the strong, wise, and mature upperclassmen, we must be ready. 

Every year we battle endlessly and watch as the best library floors are stolen before our very eyes, the Starbucks line gets too long to bear and, worst of all, freakmen swarm our awesome parties. This year, things are going to be different. 

“Yeah, I was assigned to this lookout last year. Let me tell you — there is nothing scarier than hearing those freshie claws scratching against the walls all night. Sometimes, I still hear their voices echoing … begging to be let in … pretending to be upperclassmen,” Private Yu said before she started shaking from fear. 

Our defenses this year are well thought out by our best engineering and English majors, and with the combined knowledge of science and The Hunger Games, we are sure to have created a system that no freshman will be able to beat. 

It starts with the moats, which are filled to the brim with slimy eels whose electric shock causes the body to hit the Nae Nae without being able to stop. Next, the Great Wall of Storke is lined with the brave people of the water polo and volleyball teams who are all equipped with 5000-pound flaming balls that they can easily throw at 100 miles per hour down at the oncoming crowds. Though it’s impossible to break through the wall, we didn’t stop there. 

“I was inspired by those raptors in Fortnite, and obviously Jurassic Park,” fourth-year anthropology major Aura Derny said. “The dinosaurs behind the wall are designed to hunt only the freshmeat. We are still working out some kinks, but there’s no need to worry.” 

We have no plans to feed the raptors in the weeks before the freshman arrive, so they are sure to be extra hungry. Once in the fortress, you’ll be pleased to know that we have access to the UCen Panda Express, and some people brought their pens that you can hit. If there are any upperclassmen out there, please report to Storke Tower with urgency. Those pesky incoming freaks will be here soon and if you aren’t within our fortress by the time they’re here, it will be too late. We will see you soon, and may Yang be with you.

Faith Talamantez has opps everywhere.